Your correspondent’s deep affection for Edinburgh’s celebrated Home of Cricket, aka the Meadows, is well known.  This tranquil oasis where bongo drummers, Zumba dancers and barbecuers encircle pristine batting wickets set amid close cut billiard table smooth outfields offers a theatre unequalled in world cricket.  Your correspondent was therefore excited when his perusal of the fixture card told him that the Carlton Positively 4th XI would be visiting the Home of Cricket as the guests of old rivals Morton 2s to face their latest challenge in the ESCA super-elite Division 5. 

‘June is bustin’ out all over…’  As your correspondent arrives at the Home of Cricket your correspondent is reminded of the fairground setting of the great musical Carousel by Rodgers and Hammerstein which introduced that fine song.  [You’re not going to do that thing with the song titles again are you?  We all had enough of that last week. And don’t you dare suggest that You’ll Never Walk Alone is a song dedicated to batsmen who nick off to the keeper. Ed]

June did seem to be bustin out, for the local community must have got wind of the Positivelys’ appearance for they thronged the sylvan demi-paradise in more than their usual numbers. Fitting to the Positivelys’ brand of dashing cricket this season, there was a festival atmosphere in the air. [Oh dear you had to work hard for that one – it was the annual Meadows Festival.  Ed]

 ‘SOMEBODY SCREEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!’  Not a response to seeing the Positivelys’ skipper shamble towards the pitch.  But this was the cry of the barker on a particularly vertiginous fairground ride set hard by the boundary. The fairground had been positioned without due regard for the ICC playing conditions which require 5 yards of space between the boundary rope and the surrounds to avoid players injuring themselves as they hurtle, dive and slide in their zeal to save runs.  The polite invitation to the fairground operators to reposition themselves with due regard to the ICC requirements and the demands of player safety was met with a less than polite response.  The boundary markers were moved infield.

‘SOMEBODY SCREEEEEEEEEAM!!  Hasn’t the skipper only won the toss again!

The pitch is grassy but dry despite the overnight rain.  It is humid with the prospect of rain.  All in all the decision to bowl seems to be justifiable.  [Oh come on – this skipper would bowl on a perfect batting track at the Oval under a blazing sun.  Ed] 

The Positivelys take the field to the throbbing thudding ostinato of the fairground generators.  The gentle strains of Rodgers and Hammerstein seemed a distant memory for a more strident and less musical accompaniment as play gets under way.  Duncan gets first blood in the 3rd over with the perfect inswinger – the bail spirals fully 50 yards towards the boundary [Your letter to the Guinness Book of Records has been posted. Ed]. A helicopter search is mounted and eventually the far travelling bail is recovered  at third man. 

A promising beginning for the Positivelys but things then go quiet – not quiet obviously because of the continual cacophony of the fairground, but quiet in the cricketing sense.  The theme of the afternoon has been set.  Regular pitch invasions by excited fans, apparently eager to get the skipper’s autograph, had to be repeatedly repelled.  You’ll never walk alone………..Mothers with small babies, small babies with smaller babies, smaller babies pushing wheelchairs, wheelchairs pushing the visually challenged, young people, old people, people with purple and green hair, vapers, gapers and weekend shapers - all seem madly intent to put themselves in harm’s way [Do you mean in the proximity of the skipper?  Ed]

‘SOMEBODY SCREEEEEEEEEAM!!  Yes – we’re screaming at you to stay outside the white line. 

Following the early wicket Morton take no risks and the score meanders forward. Duncan has no further joy and finishes with 1 for a miserly 9 off his 8 overs. Ru labours in vain. Al and Mo begin the second 60 ball over, but bowl as if they have just descended from a particularly giddiness-inducing fairground ride.  So it is Ewan Hutchinson who got the next breakthrough as his perfect leg spinner takes the off stump of Rajapatruni who until then has serenely looked like he is going to bat all afternoon.   At half way Morton are 69-2 – the game evenly balanced.   Ewan bowled through the next 60 ball over – his excellent spell deserved better; there was a hard chance at slip and a leading edge fell enticingly short of the skipper [Eh, witnesses (and there were many) suggest that he was characteristically flat footed and slow moving to a chance that anyone else would have gobbled up.  Ed] and he finished 1-22.

‘SOMEBODY SCREEEEEEEEEAM!!  Morton skipper Farrel came in and looked for quick singles to push the scoring along.  Good idea, but the fairground racket drowned out even his stentorian calls and he was left stranded by his partner to be run out.  Calum (2-14) bowled short and fast, getting 2 wickets but there was no reward for Meadows Andrews, who might be thinking of trading in his nickname.  Still he kept it tight and Morton finished on 117 for 5 – a solid performance in the field by the Positivelys – but suggesting that runs were not that easy to find on this pitch.

Mid-afternoon and the fairground is going like a fair.  [Oh dear.  Ed] The dog show reaches its apogee - the ‘Handsomest Boy’ competition is followed by the ‘Most Like Owner’ and then ‘Best OAP’ – all competitions that the Positivelys think they might enter their skipper in.   In the kids’ tent the messy play area with its slime pit reminds them of fielding in the Home of Cricket in less summery conditions.  On the sound stages, the aptly named Edinburgh Noise Committee gives way to the Heavy Pelvis [Surely a tribute act to the skipper? Ed] The skipper’s request that they play something by Mahler is met with disdain – ‘We dinnae dae reggae man, we’re strictly grunge.’  Your correspondent wonders whether it is a reflection on declining educational standards that youngsters cannot distinguish between Bob Marley and Gustav Mahler? [Or is it just another pathetic attempt at a joke?  Ed] The croquet tournament was reaching its pulsating climax.  A fitting moment therefore for a spot of tea as still allowed under the experimental rules.

‘SOMEBODY SCREEEEEEEEEAM!!  The huge pendulum ride rocked and the Waltzer waltzed, as the Positivelys started the chase.  A hint of rain now in the air.  Eric smashed his first ball for 4 but was yorked shortly after.  Hutch dug in like a good one.  More invading fans had to be repelled. Play slowed down despite the experimental rules which make no allowances for the delays caused by repeated pitch invasion or for a bowler fielding at distant fine leg and having to trudge the length of the ground every 6 balls.

Anish made a stylish debut for the Positivelys before he feathered one to the keeper and departed for 27.  At half way the umbrellas began to go up, the invading incursions become more frequent as fair goers fear a downpour and wend homewards.  The Positivelys were 65-2 –  all still to play for. 

Anish’s departure had brought Mo in.  He patted six balls back before depositing the next in the Quartermile development.  Ewan began to find the gaps after a long period of resolute defence.  Mo went big again, just missing a couple amorously oblivious to the possibility of an aerial interruption to their canoodles.  But he was caught shortly after on 30.  87-3.  Game still on.  Ewan and Callum pushed on until they both were out close together to leave it at 100-5 after 30 overs [That’s old money. Don’t you mean after 3 60 ball overs (copyright you know who)?  Ed].  This was an excellent effort by Ewan (17) – capping a fine all round display.  Staying in for 27 overs on the Meadows’ pristine batting surface in the gathering gloom and continual distraction is no mean feat.  The target was now in sight and the experienced heads of Martin and Al brought the bacon home with no further misadventures as the rain started in earnest.  A final pitch invasion was successfully repelled. The Positivelys won by 5 wickets in the 33rd over. 

The Positivelys’ victory consolidates their position second top of the super elite division and sets up a fascinating top of the table encounter next week with Drummond Trinity 2.   Not to be missed.

This was an entertaining and competitive afternoon’s cricket at the Home of Cricket.  Many thanks to Morton for a good game played in decent spirit and for providing such a rich tapestry of background diversion.  The return fixture is at Grange Loan – fairground rides are already being ordered to surround the boundary - ‘SOMEBODY SCREEEEEEEEEAM!! 

Your correspondent understands that during the week there had been concern in the management team surrounding the Rolling Stones.  To their horror, it dawned on them that their much publicised gig in Edinburgh clashed with the somewhat less publicised top-of-the-super-elite ESCA Div 5 showdown between the Carlton Positively 4th XI and Drummond Trinity 2.  The Stones’ talisman Sir Mick Jagger is a great cricket fan.  The match at the Inch would give him a once in a lifetime opportunity to see one of his great cricketing heroes Fantasy Bob in action.  How could they explain his absence to the fans?  The Stones without Mick would be like……..well the Positivelys without FB.  [Oh come on.  Ed]

A crisis meeting was convened.

‘Maybe…... maybe we could get FB not to play.’

‘Fat chance.  The Carlton selection committee have been trying that for years.’

‘Well then – let’s get all the other players not to play – Fantasy Bob can hardly play with himself.’ [Er - you might want to rephrase that.  Ed]

Your correspondent can think of no other explanation for the mass outbreak of non-availability that hit the Carlton ranks over the week.  Armies of players declared they had other priorities. However, the devious scheme of the Rolling Stones’ management team did not reckon with the solidarity of the Carlton community – piece by piece teams were assembled as a crack squad [You mean Gilly and FB don’t you.  Ed] worked through the night to avert disaster.  Favours were called in.  Arms were twisted.  Threats to make public photos of playing across the line were made.  Empire biscuits were offered.  Nothing was beyond them.

As morning broke and Sir Mick stirred in his satin sheets, his management team admitted failure.  They would have to keep a careful watch on Sir Mick. The Positivelys would take the field after all.  It was a much changed team as several regular members had been demoted to higher teams to cover those who had succumbed to the temptations. But it was a team.

If you start me up

If you start me up I’ll never stop

[That’s what we’re all worried about – is there any chance you could get on with describing the action?]

Your correspondent arrived with the Positivelys at the sun blazed Inch.  He had heard the rumours. Could that lone figure wearing sun glasses on the distant boundary be Sir Mick?  Your correspondent was about to circle the field to find out when he was distracted by the skippers making their way to the middle.  The excitement of the toss was about to happen.

Baby, I can’t stay, you got to roll me

And call me the tumblin’dice

The dice tumbled and the skipper modestly reported a win of significant margin and that he had put the opposition in.  You make a grown man cry…..

After a few quiet overs, DT’s openers got aggressively into their stride.  It soon became clear to Sir Mick on the boundary that the bowlers would have to work hard.  Steven managed the significant achievement of bowling a maiden over – Goodbye Ruby Tuesday - and Ewan kept the batsmen watchful but they found the artificial track unresponsive.  You make a grown man cry…..DT were able to accelerate – the outfield was fast and boundaries seemed very close.   There was no reward for either opening bowler – who could hang a name on you.  Murray pere et fils took up the next 60 ball over.  ‘I can’t get no satisfaction….’- Al had a loud LBW shout turned down.  But he got the breakthrough shortly after – with a prodigious display of juggling as he held on to a return catch to dismiss Riaz for a good looking 60.  While the runs kept coming, Gavin got two wickets as he got his off cutter working.  It’s only rock and roll but it was a fine spell from an occasional bowler.  This left DT 127-3 at the half way point – a big total seemed on the cards.

The moment Sir Mick, patiently strutting the boundary, had been waiting for had come.  The skipper came on.  It’s a gas gas gas……  Immediately things happened [You mean boundaries don’t you?  Ed].  The Positivelys recalibrated – an even bigger total was now on the cards as Ashraf repeatedly deposited the skipper in the distant undergrowth. Here it comes, here it comes, your nineteenth run off the over… [Don’t you mean 19th nervous breakdown?  Ed] a dog – was it Sir Mick Walkin the Dog? - tried to bring Emotional Rescue to the skipper by running off with the ball.  Hey, hey, You, you…..get off off my …er ball…. On the boundary, Sir Mick turned away in disappointment. Had he got the wrong impression of FB? [Obviously.  Ed] An icon is shattered. I sit and watch as tears go by….

Joe eventually got Ashraf out for a bludgeoning 74 (7x6s), but Modi (42) carried on where he left off.  Gimmie Shelter – the sixes continued to pour over the boundary as the runs continued to flow.  Let It Bleed.  The occasional wicket didn’t really stop the momentum.  A fine catch in the deep from Sticky Fingers Martin Robertson exemplified a solid performance in the field by the Positivelys. No catches went to hand –there was much leather chasing to be done and those spirited Street Fighting Men John Beattie and Keatinge Minor did much of it. 

DT were distraught at the innings close - disappointed and crushed – lamentably failing to get the 300 which had looked on the cards when Ashraf began his assault.  You can’t always get what you want…. They finished on a mere 297-8. 

As the Positivelys gorged on the profusion of empire biscuits on the tea table for this was not a Beggar’s Banquet [And no Goat’s Head Soup ha ha…oh for Goodness sake, you’ve got me at it now.  Ed] their skipper reminded his team that with 4 bowling points they were only one point behind. I’ve told you one and I’ve told you twice……...the game was evenly balanced. 

Ewan and Eric opened. Unfortunately Ewan could not repeat his heroics of the previous week as the league’s leading bowler Amir got through his defences. Gimme gimme gimme the honky tonk blues…Eric and Martin got things moving until in the 13th over with the score at 80 Martin was c&b for a sprightly 29 by man mountain Waqas.  Joe played a fine pick up over square leg and looked good but fell to a juggled catch at slip and when Keatinge Minor was unluckily run out by one of an uncanny series of direct hits from the DT fielders, the Positivelys were 107-4 at the break.  Paint it black?  Not at all - Eric and Al then put on 50 together in even time - Al taking the lion’s share before being bowled for 34.  Eric accelerated as Brian Kas gave him good company until run out by another direct hit. 

Have you seen your mother baby – Sir Mick had changed his disguise to a picnicking family.  DT began to get agitated – maybe their total was not as impregnable as they had assumed. Gavin was caught trying to rotate the strike.  Then as his ton come into view, Eric topped edged the ball high into the air.  Unfortunately for the Positivelys there was a fielder under it.  Even more unfortunately, he held on to the catch. It’s all over now – Eric out for 95.  The final overs played themselves out – Steven played all round a straight one to bring the skipper to the crease for the first time this season.  Sadly Sir Mick had long left the boundary and so he missed the skipper’s a delightful cameo of an innings [Oh come on…Sympathy for the Devil is all very well but that is too much.  Ed].  John Beattie and he (undefeated on a resolute 3 and 10 respectively) simply running out of overs with the total firmly in sight if 50 odd runs away. It’s so very lonely, you’re 2000 light years from home….   The Positivelys finished on 241 (or something in that region since the scorebook is not definitive). Sir Mick may have left before the end - An excellent effort all round and by some margin the highest losing total in the history of the Positivelys.

Well played DT who showed why they are the run-away league leaders.  The Positivelys look forward to a big crowd attending the return fixture in August – Get Yer Ya Yas Out!  Sir Mick may well think about attending. [Of course he will.  Are you quite done?  Ed]

For the keen supporter of the Carlton Positively 4th XI there is only one thing better than a match report celebrating the team’s triumphant progress in the super-elite Division 5 of ESCA. [Are you sure? Ed]  And that is the match report of a match that has not taken place. [Not what I would put in first place.  Ed]

Your correspondent had spent the week in keen anticipation of a trip to the prestigious Polwarth Oval in downtown Prestonpans, to which location the fixture card directed the Positivelys this Saturday.  Last year’s venture to this location had not been a happy experience as the Positivelys were inexplicably skittled for an all-time record low total.  [And to make matters worse you contributed an incomprehensible report purporting to be in the form of a film script.  The memory of that effort still makes most readers shudder.  Ed] Your correspondent was sure that revenge for the Positivelys was on the cards.

Your correspondent had noted that this fixture would occur on Bloomsday – the day on which the events depicted in James Joyce’s great novel Ulysses took place.  As such the day is feted in Dublin, and many other cities, (though not, your correspondent thinks, Prestonpans) with a series of events to mark Joyce’s achievements and to recreate the events of the book.

Your correspondent was thinking a match report in the style of Ulysses  might be welcome [You are joking …………. aren’t you?  Ed]  After all, Joyce was a keen cricket fan and while there is little of cricketing interest in Ulysses, his other great work, Finnegan’s Wake, is peppered with punning references to and innuendos on WG Grace and LBW:  ‘wot a lout about it if it was only a pippappoff pigeon shoot that gracesold getrunner, the man of centuries, was bowled out by judge, jury and umpire at batman’s biff like a witchbefooled legate. Dupe’   [Eh?  Ed] Yes, that’s the stuff, your correspondent thought, Finnegan’s Wake would be a more suitable model.  Saturday couldn’t come soon enough.

Finnegan’s Wake is also reckoned to be the most incomprehensible book in the English language. [You don’t need to imitate Joyce – you already produce the most incomprehensible match reports in the English language.  Ed]

However a morning of strengthening rain led to the inevitable cancellation of the match.  The Positively would have to wait for another day to exact their desired revenge.  And readers will similarly have to look to another day to enjoy a Joycean match report.  [You really are joking now…….aren’t you.  Ed]

The editor writes:

Readers may have worked out from the above that the Fourth XI match v Tranent and Preston village 2 was cancelled due to rain.  That was unfortunate. They may also have worked out that they had a narrow escape from a match report that might have tried even their patience. From that point of view the cancellation was extremely fortunate.

The editorial staff understand that the correspondent is on holiday next week and can assure readers that this James Joyce nonsense won’t be repeated.

Your correspondent enjoyed the report of last week’s excellent victory by the Carlton Positively 4th XI from a distance.  However he suspects readers will have shared his disappointment that the writer could shed no further light on the perplexing issue of Gustav Mahler’s bowling action.  [Dream on. We all thought that his report was a model that you would do well to follow. Ed] He acknowledges that his own researches on this important subject have not made much recent progress but at times he feels he carries this burden alone.  So it was that he travelled to Italy last week to find assistance.  But he is sad to report his journey provided scant new insight on the matter.  His research contact, in his temporary position of waiter at the hotel bar, could only suggest (if your correspondent’s understanding of the local Italian dialect is correct) that Mahler was a chucker.  His evidence for this assertion was shaky – but so was his hand as he poured the prosecco.  Your correspondent will be making TripAdvisor aware of the shortcomings of this establishment. [Not we hope at the same length that you go on about things here - for goodness sake will you get on with the cricket.  Ed]

Be that as it may, your correspondent has returned refreshed and looking forward to the second half of the Positivelys’ triumphant season in the super elite Division 5.  By some strange coincidence, his return coincided with that of the Positivelys’ inspirational [Eh?  Ed] skipper who looked no less reinvigorated.  [Appearances can be deceptive.  Ed] The day’s fixture with Musselburgh who were close on the heels of the Positivelys at the top of the table looked a juicy prospect.

As the team undertook the rigours of the journey to the Honest Toun and assembled in bright sunshine at Lewisvale there was only one question on the lips of the Positivelys. [Please say it was something relevant to cricket and nothing to do with Mahler.  Ed]  Last week had seen them bat first for the first time this season.  Not only that, they had won the toss and chosen to bat first.  For the younger members of the side this was an experience heady in its novelty.  The older players struggled to recall the fading memories of the last time this had happened. ‘Does it only happen when the skipper is on holiday?’ asked a junior player.  There was a polite silence, a shuffling of feet and a couple of quiet sighs as the cynicism of the seniors was once again undone by the innocent charm of youth.

The skipper returned from the middle to inform his team that his opposite number had enthusiastically commended to him the excellence of the surface for batting.  The Musselburgh skipper had then enthusiastically won the toss (by, it had to be admitted, a convincing margin) and with even greater enthusiasm………………………………….. asked the Positivelys to bat.

The team received the news of the skipper’s defeat with stoicism.

‘Does that mean we are batting first again?’ ‘Twice in a season?’  ‘Twice in 2 weeks.’

Perhaps the team was traumatised by the shock of the lost toss.  [I don’t think so. Ed] Perhaps the display of empire biscuits already laid out seductively on the tea table was too much for them. [A devious tactic.  Ed] Perhaps the Musselburgh skipper’s description of the pitch was a misleading deception.  [Surely not – Musselburgh is the honest toun.  Ed] Whatever the reason, the batting display that followed was less than your correspondent has come to expect of the Positivelys this season.  Last week’s opening partnership of Edwards and Murray Jnr amassed 164 before a wicket fell.  This week they could only muster 21 before Gavin played too early and gave a simple catch to point.  Your correspondent says only 21, but that proved to be the one of the higher partnerships of the innings as the Positivelys soon found themselves in deep trouble at 44-7, demon bowler A Muhammed finding considerable help in the pitch and helping himself to a hattrick on the way. The bowlers didn’t really need any help, but Martin had chosen to bat in stylish sunglasses and found that in correcting his astigmatism they also radically altered his perception of distance.  He was run out by some yards. Your correspondent began to wonder whether an early finish would give him time to investigate the suggestion that Mahler chucked [No, that’s enough.  Get on with it.  Ed]

Not for the first time this season it was Ewan Hutchinson who dug in and showed that survival was possible – a commendable lesson to his seniors now languishing uselessly on the boundary.  He and Keatinge Major began the rescue operation.  Keating Maj attacked; Ewan defended.  Use the overs became the priority.  They put on 37 before Cameron – top scoring with 23 - was castled by Dingre, bowling at a pace beyond what might have been expected from a 4th change bowler.  He also got through Ewan’s defence shortly after.   Still 8 overs left.  The stage was now set for the tail to wag and Duncan and Callum made sure it did, milking singles and smacking the occasional  boundary.  Duncan was run out off the last ball for 22 leaving  Callum 13*.  The tail-wag contributed 36 invaluable runs.  An excellent contribution by them both.

Your correspondent notes that this is the first time this season that the Positivelys have been bowled out. 

121 did not seem a lot, but it was more than seemed likely at one stage – indeed most stages – of the innings and gave something to bowl at.

Tea was meticulously timed in accordance with the experimental rules and 20 minutes later, well fuelled by the generous provision of empire biscuits, the Positivelys took the field knowing that the wicket was not the batting paradise predicted.  But still a tight bowling performance and excellence in the field were necessary.  Early wickets were the objective.

The skipper asked Duncan and Al to open.  The skipper surmised Al (Murray Snr) might do early damage – he has taken a wicket in his first or second over every match.  Deep into Al’s second over, the skipper probably felt that he had fallen for the fallacy of induction – as David Hume explained over 300 years ago  ‘The contrary of every matter of fact is still possible; because it can never imply a contradiction, and is conceived by the mind with the same facility and distinctness, as if ever so conformable to reality. That the sun will not rise tomorrow is no less intelligible a proposition, and implies no more contradiction than the affirmation, that it will rise. ...” [Eh what are you on about – you’ve already told us that the sun was shining.  Ed]  To paraphrase for the benefit of readers not inclined to 18th Century philosophical discourse: the fact that Murray Snr will take a wicket seemed somewhat less of an intelligible proposition when he was dumped back over his head a few times in this first over.  The skipper wondered. The Positivelys wondered.  The man and his dog on the boundary wondered (mainly whether opener Boyd’s next big shot might imperil them).   But Al’s post-rational confidence in his ability to refute Hume was strong.  His svelte run up to the wicket, his athletic delivery stride, his muscular arm came over [Oh come on, what is this  Ed] The ball thuds into the pads.  ‘How’s that?’ A big cry.  A bark from the dog on the boundary.  The finger is up.  Cox departs with good grace tinged with only a small hint of Antipodean disappointment.  In his silent grave David Hume turns, wondering whether he had taken due account of Al’s golden arm in his thinking.  Was all that Enlightenment stuff a mistake?  [No – you’re just making this up – although looking at Trump and all the rest of it you can be forgiven for wondering.  Ed]

Then Duncan rolled into action.  The ball kept low, slammed into Boyd’s pad and the finger was up again.  Next ball was deflected into Keatinge Major’s safe hands at gully and from a solid start, Muss were 25 for 3.  The Positivelys were in this.  Big time.  One hand was on the throat.  Time to squeeze.  [Oh please – have you been watching those Tarantino movies again. ? Ed] Duncan got another in his next over.  But then things settled down a bit, Patil looked secure and had been strong though the off side.  Callum came on, generated good pace but seemed deserted by Lady Luck as a couple of edges sped to the boundary.  Then the mandatory change of ends and a spectacular catch by Eric diving far and low to his right.  Due reward for Callum as he followed up 4 balls later by removing the middle stump.  62-6.

Duncan was now bowled out – 3-22 a great contribution.  Keatinge Major came into the attack and struck in his first over as Patil, who had serenely watched his colleagues’ fall one by one from the other end paddled a low full toss into Martin’s mitts.  Callum got another and Muss were 72-8. 

Surely no way back from there – but their skipper was still in and with demon bowler A Muhammed striking well they still had a chance.  If one tail could wag, there was no reason that another couldn’t.  [Is that Hume again?  Ed] The score began to mount.  Callum was now bowled out – 3-35.  The skipper turned to Anish to take the pace off the ball. Muhammed, having top edged one to the boundary, flailed again and was plumb LBW.  Ru McIntyre had waited patiently for his turn and classily finished things off by bowling the skipper. 

Musselburgh all out for 102.  The Positivelys win by 19 runs and consolidate their second place in the super-elite division.

Your correspondent notes that this is the first time this season that the Positivelys have bowled the opposition out.  A crumb of comfort for David Hume – as he put it, ‘That the Positivelys will not bowl the oppo out is no less intelligible a proposition, and implies no more contradiction than the affirmation, that they will get 10 wickets by bowling well on a difficult deck.’ [Of course he did.  Ed]

It was a great all round team performance – showing once again the importance of batting the overs.  And of taking catches.  A joint MOM award will be necessary - the contributions of Callum and Duncan with both bat and ball made the victory possible.

Many thanks to Musselburgh for an excellent afternoon – played with great spirit, good humour and nobility in eventual defeat.

On the triumphal procession back to Grange Loan a junior asked the skipper – ‘What would you have done if you had won the toss?’  The skipper looked inscrutably at his young charge, he had of course had no intention of winning the toss, but at length he answered, ‘Whatever was needed to win the game.’

[A note from the editor:

Readers should note from the scores above that the Carlton 4th XI won this match against Dunnikier 2 by 5 wickets and thus maintain their strong second place in the Division 5 league table.  There was a good all round team performance with particular excellence from Gavin Murray (dubbed below as the Little Master) and Jamie Beattie. Any of this may not be readily apparent from what follows.  The editor wishes readers the best of luck in going beyond this point.]

Your correspondent prepared for the enticing super-elite division 5 tussle between the Carlton Positively 4th XI and the mercurial Dunnikier 2 by attending a performance of Cole Porter’s Kiss Me Kate.  He is a great admirer of Cole Porter whose witty and urbane songs embody the Great American Songbook at its highest point of sophistication.  He likes to think that he carries this spirit of Porter into his match reports. [Words fail me. Ed]  And as he enjoyed yesterday’s sporting spectacle, the words and tunes of Porter’s greatest show continued to run round his head [Oh no, what’s coming now.  Ed]

Now, Cole Porter was not a cricketer [Excellent, so we’ll have no pointless speculation about his bowling action.  Maybe you can just get on with describing the match which you say you were watching.  Fat chance.  Ed].  Even so only a slight adjustment to one of Kiss Me Kate’s show stopping numbers will give it a cricketing sense which matched your correspondent’s feelings on arriving at the Inch.  Put simply, it was too darn hot, particularly for Scottish people organically reared in the mist and rain.

It’s too darn hot

It’s too darn hot

I’d like to bat with my baby tonight

Rat a tat with my baby tonight

But I‘d go flat on my baby tonight

Cos it’s too darn hot.

I’d like to bowl with my baby tonight

Lose control with my baby tonight

But I’d miss the goal with my baby tonight

Cos it’s too darn hot.  [Very good – but time for some cricket now.  Ed]

As the sun mercilessly beat down, your correspondent sought the cool  of the shade under a spreading chestnut tree.  He should note the great generosity of Edinburgh South CC in making their carefully prepared grass pitch available to the Positivelys.  [Yes many thanks to them.  Ed]

Your correspondent had passed a worried morning -  he had noticed Twitter traffic late on the previous evening which suggested that the Positivelys might be understaffed.  He was relieved therefore to find them at the requisite number – could those Twitter reports of a lack of Carlton personnel be nothing more than fake news?   Then he saw the hallowed figure of Kevin Whitaker – for Kevin to turn out there must have been a real emergency.  Confirmation came as your correspondent noticed the skipper’s even more catatonic than usual demeanour – he showed clear signs of post traumatic stress disorder as a result of his efforts to recruit sufficient resources for the full set of Carlton teams.  A mere whispered mention of 55 caused him to fall to his knees with an anguished cry.

Any Tom Dick or Harry

Any Harry Tom or Dick

With a great effort the skipper brought his trembling limbs under control and went about the business of the toss.  On return from the middle, he reports to the team that he has won by a satisfactory margin and they should prepare to take the field.   His team respond with a groan of feigned surprise at his decision and duly take their places on stage for the big opening number.

Another op’nin’ another show

And Steven Andrews is first to bowl

With Billy Bertram they take control

Another op’nin of another show

For four overs the batsmen proceed without alarm, but then Steven gets one to lift to the shoulder of the Armaan’s bat and Brian snaffles it at slip.  The next over Billy takes the edge and Kevin does the needful.  Ali and Ali are now batting and they move the score on. The skipper and Jamie Beattie are bowling.   The wicket is playing slow and runs don’t seem easy to come by against accurate bowling.  But the scoreboard has advanced to 68 in the 20th over when S Ali tries an expansive shot against the skipper and is triggered.  As Ali returns to the hutch the Positivelys hear an agonised call from Dunnikier’s skipper. 

Why Can’t you Behave

Oh why can’t you play straight

After all the throw downs I gave you

And the practice shots that you made

Oh why can’t you play straight

So it is 68-3 at the half way point.  Another umpire might have shone a kindly light on Jaimie’s justified appeals, but he has gone unrewarded. Murray Snr comes on and after his customary opening range-finding wide he extracts a positive LBW decision.

Wunderbar wunderbar

When the bowler gives a shout

And the umpire’s says it’s out

Then your life is wunderbar.

At 72-4 things could go either way.  But when Murray Jnr replaces Murray Snr it is clear which way that is going to be.  In a telling 5 over spell the young romantic lead [Eh?  Ed] bowls wicket to wicket and soon has 4 victims – taking the middle stump 3 times and giving Kevin a routine stumping. Ikra has woven her spells in between and got on the scoreboard thanks to a fine catch at square leg by Murray Snr.  Dunnikier bat out their overs for a total of 144-9.  Gavin 4-15 is the pick of a top bowling and all round fielding effort, John, Steven and Malcolm saving many runs between them. 

As tea is taken, the Positivelys recall last week’s encounter and wonder if that total might be more challenging than it seems given the slowness of the pitch.  Care would be needed at the crease.

As the second innings starts, it’s still too darn hot [But let’s have no more of that please.  Ed]

Brian notifies the skipper that he is guest of honour at a party that started 2 hours ago – so he gets to open and given licence to attack.  Murray Jnr joins him.

We open in Venice

We next play……..…well shots all round the wicket actually.  Nothing like it has been seen in Verona or Cremona, let alone Mantua or Padua. [What are you on about?  Ed]

The score rattles along.  Gavin is hugely effective behind square on the off side opening the face of the bat like the little master – at one stage there are three gullies and a third man.  The Little Master still gets past them.  They reach 50 in the 7th over but Brian’s party beckons and he plays all round a straight one.  Al unluckily attracts a jaffa – Were Thine That Special Ball - and nicks off failing to disturb the scorer.  Dunnikier now feel they have an opening, [Another opening, another………oh no you’ve got me at it now.  Ed]  but it is firmly shut by Jamie.  He and the Little Master make good progress toward the target with Jamie moving well into the ball and crunching it down the ground.  The Little Master is still teasing the gully cordon.  But a change in bowling to extra slow frustrates Jamie, he swings too early and is bowled – only 10 in the scorebook but an immense contribution. Gavin now brings up an excellent 50 (by virtue of some generous overthrows) but is run out shortly after as fatigue sets in.  A top drawer 53 – well played Little Master.  Ikra is unlucky to fall to a sharp return catch as she tries to break out from the slow bowling and it is 97-5 at the half way. 

Dunnikier still have a chance but their hopes are fading.  Unlike the sun - did your correspondent mention that it was Too Darn Hot.  [Yes.  We know.  Get on with it.  Ed]

The Positively’s mystery guest, revealed as Duncan Sutherland’s younger brother Malcolm, and Kevin see things out.  Malcolm resists the temptation to swing at Ali’s moon balls and stays put.  But Kevin takes a more direct approach and bludgeons anything in hitting range into the burn, the road and beyond; it was as if he’d never been away

Where Is The Life That Late I Lead

Where has it gone - totally dead ………. Not surprising after wicket keeping for 40 overs [Ha ha……….  Ed]

They reach the target in the 28th over.  John Beattie, who had chased as diligently in the field as ever, was all padded up ready to take the side home to victory but is left with nowhere to go.  He graciously accepts the shameful apologies of the skipper for leaving him hanging, Always True to You Skipper in My Fashion. The Positivelys win by 5 wickets.  Malcolm 19* and Kevin 30*. 

So, a good team performance by a much changed Positively’s line up ensures that they maintain their challenge at the top of super elite Division 5.  A special day with bat and ball for Gavin Murray Jnr, the Little Master. Many thanks to Dunnikier for an enjoyable afternoon.

As the curtain falls on the match, the songs of Cole Porter are still in your correspondent’s mind. [Oh no Ed]  One of the showstoppers in Kiss Me Kate is Brush Up Your Shakespeare, a patter song in which 2 gangster characters go through the plays of Shakespeare in a series of increasingly outrageously rhyming innuendos (eg If she says  your behaviour is heinous, kick her right in the Coriolanus.)  What if Cole Porter had watched the Positivelys?

The girls today came to Cameron Toll

Looking for men who can bat and bowl

To win their hearts you must venture views

On decisions about L B Ws

For men in whites they’re a bit of a sucker

Maybe they think Gustav Mahler’s a chucker [For goodness sake how did you get that one in? Ed]

They flock to the Inch but to tell you the truth

They’re hoping for more than Edinbra Sooth

Now the team that’s got them wowed

And thinking they’re in heaven

Are the proud stars of Carlton’s

Positively Fourth Eleven [Doesn’t quite scan but we’ll let you off with it  Ed]

Brush Up your Carlton

Start clapping them now

Brush up your Carlton

And the cricket fans you’ll wow

When a girl says she’s not in a hurry

Show her a bit of out-swing like Al Murray

If she don’t think that that is worth havin’

Tell her she’d be better at bat with young Gavin

If she don’t seem to hear that entreaty

It’s maybe because you’re John Beattie

Brush up your Carlton

And you’ll be not out.

If your girl says your in-swing is silly

It can’t be because you are Billy

But if her wild swing ain’t from the text book

Then spin it just like Ikra Farooq

But if then you’re still feeling sick at her

It must be a job for Kev Whitaker

Brush up your Carlton

And you’ll be not out.

If she says she has trouble believin’

Then clearly she’s never met Steven

If she says that your fire has no flamie

Then give her a look at young Jaimie

If she’s lookin’ for something more slinky

Then you’d call for Brian Kazcynski

Brush up your Carlton

And you’ll be not out.

If she insists you can only be jesting

Then tell her that Malcolm was guesting

She will ask if the skipper’s a hero

Say no – ‘cos he mostly makes zero

And if you want to really engross her

Tell her he’s just a hopeless old tosser

Brush up your Carlton

And you’ll all kow tow.

How’s That?!? [Do you really want to know?  Are you done?  That was self-indulgent even for you.  Maybe you should be thinking of going on holiday again.  Ed]

Your correspondent looked forward to escaping the suffocating heat of the city to spend the afternoon in the cool beauty of the luxurious hill station of Double Hedges, home of the legendary Kirkbrae CC whose fighting second XI were the next opponents for the Carlton Positively 4th XI in their triumphant progress through the ESCA super-elite Division 5.  Like the heat stressed administrators of the Raj, he would relax as the punkah-wallah gently fanned him and he sipped a cooling cocktail.

 For Double Hedges, with its expansive views of the foothills of the Himalayas [Er….. don’t you mean Arthurs Seat?  Ed], is at most times of year blessed with a gently cooling breeze.  A gently cooling breeze which usually chills to the bone.  But not this summer.  It was perfect cricketing weather. 

As the Positivelys arrived at the hill station they were perplexed by the obvious absence of punkah-wallahs.  Instead they saw teams of women in cocktail dresses battling things out on the adjacent rugby pitch. Closer inspection revealed that what appeared to be women were men dressed up as women.  On yet closer inspection, there were women dressed up as men dressed up as women.  And men dressed up as women dressed up as men dressed up as….  [OK OK we get the idea.  Get on with the cricket.  Ed]  Some local midsummer ritual perhaps.  Or should the SRU be commended on a worthy and  long overdue initiative to bring the cross-dressing community into rugby?  

Putting this distraction aside, the Positivelys focussed firmly on their rigorous preparation for the cricketing challenge ahead by standing around in a generally random fashion.  Your correspondent has studied many coaching manuals, but he has yet to find the pages which reveal the techniques to be deployed in such standing about.  He may have spotted a gap in the market.  He has made a proposal to the MCC for an addition to the coaching literature ‘Purposeful Standing About – Warm Up with your hands in Your Pockets – Win at Cricket Without Pointless Games of Football Beforehand.’  He suspects that further research in this area will reveal some insights into the approach taken by Gustav Mahler……  [Oh no you don’t… GET ON WITH THE CRICKET.  ED] 

Such has been the skipper’s form at the toss this season that his side were shocked to learn the news of a humiliating defeat.  Kirkbrae had chosen to take first use of the pitch.  ‘So it’s just like you won then,’ said a junior, wise beyond his years. 

The Positivelys welcomed Damian to their ranks for the first time this season, he had travelled all the way from Melbourne in the hope of turning out for the Positivelys.  [Are you sure?  Ed] Finally he had secured release from his pressing schedule of celebrity appearances behind the bar of the Guildford Arms.  Malcolm Sutherland had also responded nobly to another late call and made another welcome appearance. 

Billy and Keatinge Minor opened proceedings down wind.  Keatinge Minor got an early reward as Cassal played too early and popped up a simple catch to Al Murray, for once a solitary Murray in the team.  Billy’s spell was worthy of greater reward as he went past the bat on several occasions but Lady Luck did not shine on him.  Skipper Sangster had joined the ever competitive Raja in the middle and an effective partnership began to blossom.  Keatinge Major and Damian took the next 10 over block against the wind.  A succession of dropped catches – the first appearance this season of that all too familiar gremlin – allowed Sangster to make good progress.  With the half way score at 81-1 and Sangster passed 50, it looked like those buttery fingers could be expensive and a big total was in prospect. 

Matt and Euan Burgess (making a welcome return to Carlton colours) took the next down-wind duty.  Nothing seemed to be happening until on 109, Matt got one to jag back to knock Sangster’s off stump back and Kirkbrae’s skipper departed for a belligerent 62.  Kirkbrae had pushed the score along to 118 when three wickets fell in rapid succession and ripped the guts out of the innings.  Malcolm’s stunning catch in the covers exorcised those earlier catching woes and then Raja, on 42, feathered one behind to Eric to give Euan just reward for a lively spell of 2-19.  The final block now, against the wind and Damian got his name on the scoresheet as a loose delivery was swatted to fine leg where Keatinge Major made no mistake.  Nothing lucky about Damian’s next wicket as he spun it past Rashid’s groping stroke for Eric to execute a smart stumping.  118-5 looked more comfortable for the Positivelys and they efficiently mopped up the tail with Al taking 2 in amongst a flurry of wides [They said you weren’t going to mention these.  Ed] and Keatinge Major also getting 2.  Damian 2-22 (he also had 2 good catches in the outfield), Al 2-21, Keatinge Major 2-25.

 An excellent second half for the Positivelys (effectively 66-9) – whatever was in the juice provided at the illegal drinks break did the trick.  Kirkbrae finished on 147, which may equal the highest break in snooker, but it did not seem likely to be enough seriously to trouble the Positivelys. 

And so it proved.  Although Euan played too soon to give Regan a return catch early on, that was as much damage as Kirkbrae could do as Eric and Anish worked the ball to all parts of the ground in an impressive display of stroke making while Malcolm waited patiently to take his turn.  He was still waiting when in the 25th over Anish crunched the winning runs through the mid-wicket boundary to give the Positivelys victory by 9 wickets.  Anish 69* Eric 67*. 

Anish had started his innings with a brutal return drive which nearly took Cassar’s hand off.  As he winced in pain, Anish approached him with a professional glint in his eye.  Raja wondered what was up.  The skipper who was umpiring at the bowler’s end explained ‘He’s an orthopaedic surgeon – he’ll have a look at the damage.’  Raja replied ‘Well I’m a gynaecologist and I can tell from here he’s not pregnant.’ 

Another excellent victory for the Positivelys who maintain their promotion challenge.  Many thanks to Kirkbrae who were unable to build on the strong foundation they had built in the first 20 overs.  They were noble in defeat and enjoyable opponents. 

As the Positivelys made their way back to Grange Loan a junior inquired, ‘The skipper…..um…..he didn’t bowl…..he didn’t bat…..he lost the toss……………um……what’s the point of him?’ No answer was forthcoming.

Your correspondent acknowledges that his understanding of quantum theory is at a level nearer that of the kindergarten than the graduate college.  He has therefore rarely, if ever, pondered the paradox of Schrodinger’s cat.  Schrodinger devised the paradox as a thought experiment to show the problems of applying the rules of quantum mechanics to everyday objects and the apparent contradiction between what quantum theory tells us is true at microscopic level and what we see with the naked eye.  While Schrodinger’s cat is in its box it is simultaneously alive and dead.  – a condition that your correspondent has often thought applies to the skipper of the Positivelys.  The cat’s  true state can only be known when an observer opens the box. The Positivelys’ skipper’s true state is probably beyond the powers even of quantum theory to determine but that is another matter – or is it anti-matter.  [Ha ha – get on with it. Ed]

This paradox has given rise not only to earnest debate among Nobel Laureates but also to many popular jokes – eg Schrodinger’s Cat - Wanted Dead and Alive - and T-shirts.  Its significance to cricket has rarely, if ever, been investigated.  [Oh no don’t tell us you are going to correct that oversight.  Ed] Your correspondent has occasionally pondered why this should be – after all it seems directly relevant to his quest to determine Gustav Mahler’s bowling action – which simultaneously exists and does not exist.  As far as your correspondent can tell.  Or not.  There are alternative views that Mahler simultaneously was and was not a chucker.  [Has this got anything to do with the cricket match that you were watching? Ed]

The paradox came to mind at an important juncture in the sporting context between the Positively 4th XI and Livingston 2 in ESCA super elite Division 5.  It had seemed a routine afternoon to your correspondent as he made his way to Peffermill to take in what promised to be an enjoyable tussle as the Positivelys sought to maintain their promotion challenge.  It is over 2 years since the Positivelys last played at Peffermill, which may have existed or not during those years.  The senior players in the squad, veterans of those visits to the south Edinburgh tundra, have fond memories of the frost bite that the exposed landscape invariably produced.  Such is the progress of global warming, however, that, although it was cloudy overhead and a breeze wafted over the ground, they found a balmy and pleasantly warm afternoon.

With many players returning from vacation, the Positivelys fielded a strong side with the usual enticing blend of old and young.  Livingston had more selection problems however since their skipper broke his toe last week, joining the vice-skipper who had broken his wrist the previous week.  It was however encouraging to see a number of juniors in their ranks.

The wicket showed the effects of Friday’s rain.  It didn’t stir the Positivelys skipper’s batting gene.  [What would?  Ed]  It was therefore a surprise to the skipper that on losing the toss [Again – early season form has not been sustained has it?  Ed] Livingston’s stand in skipper opted to bat.  [But there is no surprise that he was surprised.  Oh no! Did I just do a Schrodinger joke – see what you do to people?  Ed] 

Sadly, Livingston’s innings never really got going as the bowlers got considerable help from the pitch and wickets fell regularly.  Eric was also finding life challenging behind the stumps as balls came through at varying heights and speeds.

The drinks break in accordance with the experimental rules was not a drinks break – thus illustrating again the difficulty of applying the principles of quantum mechanics to the 40 over format  [Ha ha, you never let up on this do you?  Ed] But whatever its status Livingston were at an uncomfortable 58-7.  There was a smidgeon of hope in that Balasubramian on 22 was looking like he was on top of the conditions.  Then Schrodinger got in on the action. Duncan bowled the first ball of the next block to Bala.  The ball swung in and cut, losing pace; it got through Balasubramian’s defence.  Schrodinger’s wicket.  He was out and not out.  It was only when he looked round that he noticed Schrodinger’s bails were out of the grooves and lying on the deck.  The skipper standing at slip reported that the ball had gently kissed the top of the off stump.  Balasubramian brought to mind his extensive training in quantum mechanics, thought this might be the skipper’s thought experiment and looked for alternative explanations.  The wind.  A localised gravitational force-field.  A mysterious alien invader in another time dimension.  All seemed to him as likely as the skipper’s explanation, but rigorous scientific examination found that none could prevail and, bowing to the conventions of quantum theory, he departed to ponder the paradox of his dismissal further. He later reported that he will work with CERN to try to replicate the conditions and establish a conclusive account of the wicket.  He will also find out whether any cats in the area are alive or dead or both.

With that, Livingston’s resistance crumbled and when the skipper performed the minor miracle of taking a catch at slip the innings closed on 87.   This was a very strong bowling performance by the Positivelys. Al – 3-3 and Mo 3-7 were the most successful, but all the bowlers made life difficult for the batters.  The fielding was excellent with catching again secure after last week’s blips.

Schrodinger’s tea was definitely alive and the table groaned under the provender.  There were concerns as Rob Grisenthwaite opened his Tupperware box as to whether his felafel salad would prove to be alive or dead.  It was certainly from another time dimension but was enjoyed by all who boldly went where none had been before.

The Positivelys had a strong batting line up and were confident that they could reach the total but they had seen the challenges in the wicket and care would be needed. The Little Master had limped in the field and opted to rest his injured foot behind the scorer’s table rather than open the batting with Eric, an honour that was given to Ollie.  It took both batters a bit to get the pace of the wicket but after a few plays and misses, and as the sun came out, they were soon both going along nicely.  At 55 Ollie, on 26, got one that kept low.  There was nothing of the Schrodingers about it and he was sent off LBW.  That was all the damage that Livingston could do.  Eric and Rob saw the Positivelys home in the 17th over, Eric also bringing up his 50 with the winning boundary.

Many thanks to Livingston who stuck to their task with their weakened resources with commendable spirit.

The Positivelys celebrated their victory and their continued second place in the super-elite division.  Once again your correspondent was struck by the excellence of the Carlton junior cricketers who had all contributed well to the victory.

As he left the ground your correspondent overheard one of them remark to his younger colleague:

 ‘You know that thing about the cat in the box.’

‘What that it’s alive and dead at the same time.’ 

‘Yes.  And this quantum mechanics stuff which says that all things are equally possible.’

‘But that’s rubbish isn’t it.’

‘Eh?’

‘Here’s a thought experiment to prove it - the skipper successfully negotiating a leg spin delivery.  Simultaneously possible and not possible?  I don’t think so.’

Your correspondent arrived expectantly at Inverleith Park for the Carlton Positively 4th XI’s match with league leaders Drummond Trinity 2 in the super elite Division 5 of ESCA.  Last week’s reverse, brought about by the trauma of the skipper’s uncharacteristic decision to bat first, may have done disastrous damage to the Positively’s promotion challenge.  A swift recovery was necessary to regain momentum.

As he entered the Park, your correspondent noted a much changed side going about their distinctive warm up routines.  Among the changes was the notable absence of the skipper.  Had he been dropped after his lamentable display of toss winning last week?  That would have been justifiable.  Had he taken to a Buddhist retreat in the Borders to meditate on his mid-life crisis?  That would have been understandable.  What seemed incomprehensible was that he had made himself unavailable because he had secured a ticket to a Festival concert with an early start time.  He was reluctant to present himself at the Usher Hall, breathless, sweating and in grass stained whites. He thought unworthy of response that this might be considered an improvement on his usual disheveled state.  His team mates accepted his absence with unsurprising equanimity.  As one junior pointed out, ‘Skipper ain’t batted or bowled in lots of matches this year - we won them all.  You do the math.’

On further inquiry, your correspondent’s disappointment at the skipper’s desertion of his duties developed into a fuller understanding of the dilemma the legendary bowl-firster faced.  The skipper shares your correspondent’s desire to see the mystery of the bowling action of Gustav Mahler finally resolved. [Then he’s the only one who does.  Ed] After all, it may have been his worry over the recent suggestion that Mahler was a chucker which unsettled him so last week, leading to the mental aberration of his disastrous bat first decision.  On the Usher Hall programme was a performance of Mahler’s 9th Symphony conducted by no less a maestro than Sir Simon Rattle.  Although Rattle is not known for his cricketing prowess, his interpretations of Mahler are peerless and he would surely clear up this mystery once and for all.

Mahler’s 9th Symphony was his last completed work.  He did not live to hear it performed.  Critics have therefore attributed all kinds of morbid associations to it – in particular that the halting theme of the first movement represents the composer’s irregular heart beat – a condition which had been diagnosed only shortly before he began work and would lead to his imminent death.  Critics have not been so quick to consider whether the irregular theme instead expressed a bent arm at the point of delivery - which would be strong proof that the composer was in fact a chucker.  The skipper looked forward to expounding this theory to his fellow audience members.

Your correspondent could find no interest among the Positivelys in this subject [And no interest in anyone reading this either – get on with the cricket.  Ed]  Instead, as the evangelists of the Edinburgh Tabernacle set up their Summer Party in an adjacent part of the Park providing a musical accompaniment which had more of the Beyonce than the Mahler about it, the players were focused on replacement skipper Al Murray’s explanation of how near he came to winning the toss.  ‘Not very, if the truth be told,’ he confessed as he reported that the Positivelys had been invited to bat.  Evidently, Drummond Trinity had studied last week’s results, reached their own conclusions and had gone for the jugular.  “You can bat – let’s see you make a mess of it again……’

The Positivelys’ innings had much of the character of Mahler’s 9th symphony about it. [Oh for goodness sake – what are you on about? Ed] Whether or not the opening movement is about his heart beat or his possibly bent arm, its tempo marking is andante commodo (at comfortable walking pace). And that seemed appropriate as things proceeded serenely through the first 10 over movement [Very clever Ed] with Eric and the Young Master walking comfortably. A slow outfield was not giving value for shots and the score had been assisted by regular wides as bowlers struggled to maintain their line on the sloping surface giving Hassan behind the stumps a torrid time. But there seemed no undue cause for alarm and after the first movement the Positivelys seemed well placed at 43-0.

The second movement of 10 overs began – Mahler gives his second movement the tempo marking Im tempo eines gemächlichen Ländlers. Etwas täppisch und sehr derb (at the pace of a leisurely country dance – somewhat dull and very rough). The emphasis seemed to be on the rough – and 43-0 became 48-3 after 12 - in the blink of an eye Eric mistimed a pull, Gavin was run out and Hutch was castled. Things calmed down and became somewhat dull and this movement ended with the Positivelys 76-4 after 20, things evenly balanced. In the third movement - Rondo-Burleske: Allegro assai. Sehr trotzig – (Rondo burlesque – Very happy, very defiant) batting continued to look difficult, if not burlesque, and although, sehr trotzig, most batters got some kind of start, life at the crease seemed precarious. In all 5 Positivelys were out failing to deal with short pitched deliveries, particularly from man-mountain Waqas – who, allegro assai, ended with 4-25.

The fourth movement of Mahler 9 is a monumental elegy – Adagio. Sehr langsam und noch zurückhaltend (Slow, very slow and almost reservedly). The final 10 overs of the innings saw the Positivelys make sehr langsam progress from 113-8 - an excellent partnership of 30 for the 9th wicket between Steven (13) and Shaun (13*} dragged them to 146 as the movement faded to its hushed close. Leonard Bernstein said that the entire movement is symbolically prophesying three kinds of death: Mahler's own impending death, the death of tonality, and the death of "Faustian" culture in all the arts.

Bernstein failed to observe on what implications the relatively low total might have for the Positivelys’ promotion challenge. But only one kind of death – caught – accounted for 8 of wickets in the innings suggesting the variable pace on the artificial surface. Wickets had fallen regularly – no batter got to 20 Eric’s modest 17 was the top score as scoreboard respectability was maintained by the excellent performance of wides and byes. There were 56 extras in the total.

But was 146 a defendable total? Drummond Trinity had proved a formidable batting unit for most of the season. Things were interesting. As the teams took tea, the Tabernacle were organizing sack races between single and married ladies. The Positivelys’ travelling support, Shaun’s Mum, declined the invitation to enter.

As they devoured the star attraction of the tea in the form of strawberry tarts (always a welcome substitute for an empire biscuit), the Positivelys speculated which Mahler symphony the D-T innings would resemble [No they didn’t. Ed]. Eric who knows a thing or two about these matters (but is strangely quiet on the issue of whether the composer was a chucker) reckoned a strong opening movement on the martial lines of the 6th - Heftig, aber markig – (violent but vigorous) - would be desirable. And this is what Steven delivered as he got the Positivelys off to a markig, if not heftig, start with a wicket in his first over. He then consolidated 2 overs later with a markig catch off his own bowling to dismiss the dangerous Riaz – 13-2. Shaun bowled markig but without reward. Bowlers continued to find the slope a difficult challenge and wides kept up their sparkling performance of the first innings. Humza dug in and seemed to have a charmed life as 2 difficult catches were spilled. But he rashly chanced his arm by giving the dart to Ru Mac and was comprehensively bowled heftig. With his return to the Pavilion, Drummond’s challenge faded. A smart piece of fielding by Hutch led to a run out. Waqas (25) tried to regain the initiative with a flurry of boundaries but was another failing to deal with the short ball and was well caught by Hutch. Jamie bowled with exemplary accuracy – only giving up 11 runs from his 5 overs. It was left to the Little Master to rattle – no reference intended to the master conductor [Ha ha – was that worth the effort? Ed] – through the tail, finishing with 4-23. The Positivelys catching was now on fire – David and Eric with 2 each, Shaun with a fine running take, Ru and Hutch all making it look easy. Al Murray showed that skippers can make a contribution as he got 2-11 in return for a fistful of wides and Drummond Trinity were all out for 127 in the 21st over. The Positivelys won by 29 runs. Waqas outscored wides – 22 of which were bowled in this 22 over innings.

The single ladies and married ladies were still being invited to various races by the Tabernacle as the teams shook hands on what was a sparkling victory for the Positivelys which ensures they go into the final matches of the season in a comfortable second place. After last week it was, to borrow the tempo marking from the second movement of Mahler 6 – Wuchtig (massive).

Many thanks to Drummond Trinity for an enjoyable game, not at their best today but the dominant team in the league this year and worthy opponents.

As the Positivelys packed up, a junior spoke softly to his colleague ‘We’re all finished well in time for the skipper to get to his Bob Marley concert.’ ‘Yeah – what was his not playing all about?’ ‘So what - most times he don’t bat, we win. He don’t bowl, we win. So – now he don’t play, we win.’ There is a pause. Then they quietly intone together. ‘Some skipper.’

What you want

Baby I got it

As your correspondent arrived at the Inch for the team’s encounter with Tranent Preston Village 2 in the super-elite Division 5 of ESCA, the skipper of the Carlton Positively 4th XI was strenuously addressing his team.  The team feigned interest as he continued,

What you need

Do you know I got it

The junior members of the side, who at this time of the season are about to reengage their scholastic studies of the English language, bit their tongues at the grammatical failings of his utterance.

All I’m askin’

Is for a little respect

There was an embarrassed silence, broken only by a mumbled aside from among the seniors. ‘Got to be earned…..’  Whether this remark came to his ears or not, the skipper went on.

R – E – S – P – E – C – T

A junior bravely interrupted the flow.  ‘We don’t do spelling any more.  The teachers say it cramps our creativity.’

The skipper ignored the remark.

Find out what it means to me…. Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul,….’

‘Did she have something to do with Leith Franklin?’ [Sock it to me, sock it to me, Groan.  Ed]

‘…….she died this week.  We dedicate this match to her memory.  TCB’  [For those readers wondering, as if anyone has read this far, the phrase TCB, sung by Aretha Franklin in her version of Respect, means taking care of business.  It was taken up as a slogan by the Civil Rights Movement. It is not a truncated reference to the former Test and County Cricket Board.  Ed]

Saying this, the skipper strode out to the middle to perform the rituals of the toss.  TCB.  He reported that he had won by a considerable margin and that the Positivelys would bowl.  [No surprise there - once bitten… Ed] The side had only one response.

R – E – S – P – E – C – T

The clouds were heavy, the grass damp from the morning rain and there was a smirr of drizzle in the air.  Those sweaters which had been abandoned to the bottom of the bag in May were in demand again as a chilly wind crossed the ground.  Duncan and Euan anxiously tip toed onto the artificial track keen to avoid a groin ripping slip on the delivery slide, but they gave nothing away.  Euan – 2-19 - did the first damage with 2 wickets and TPV reached the end of the first super over on 25-2.  TCB.  There was a symmetry to the innings, as the next 10 overs produced 24 runs for another 2 wickets – both to Al who unusually had to wait until his 5th over for his rewards – all I’m askin’ in return, honey, is to give me my propers.  So saying [Eh?  Ed]  Al got 2 wickets to good catches by Martin, plucking it from his ankles at square leg, and the skipper, high up at mid-off.   TCB.  [Are you going to keep on doing this?  We get the point.  Ed] 

The sun was now breaking through the clouds. Steven was off a short run; he limped away following at the end of an over.  ‘You OK?’ asked the skipper.  ‘I think I might have a shin fracture.’ Steven replied.  Anish, ever in the market for orthopaedic interest, pricked up his ears.  ‘Keep him on,’ he said – he can bowl with a broken leg - that’ll look good in the match report.’  [For goodness sake – what was he thinking of.  Surely he knows by now nothing looks good in these match reports.  Ed]  On this medical advice, Steven continued through the next change of ends and #Mandismissedbybowlerwithbrokenleg   usefully bowled the skipper Russell just as he looked set for a long stay.  TCB.  

The violence of Steven’s delivery had removed the off stump from its moorings – it lay on the ground beside its spring loaded brothers.  A team of qualified engineers – Duncan and Steven - investigated the reconstruction project.  A full tender was submitted and following extensive repair work play continued.  Almost immediately a sharp off cutter from Steven got the batsman in a sensitive spot.  As he limped out of his crease Gavin shot from behind the stumps, picked the ball up and threw down the wicket.  ‘Out,’ the square leg umpire raised finger not noticing the bail had remained firmly in place.  The off stump would now resist damage through earthquake and asteroid impact.   A prudent standard in many situations but slightly over-engineered for super-elite Division 5 standards.  A sigh of relief came from the batter and was shared by the scorers who were hotly disputing whether the dismissal should be recorded as stumped or run out.  (Stumped was the expert verdict arrived at subsequently).

Half the side was now out with only 54 on the board.  There was resistance as Dance and young G Brunton put together a stand, but following the final change of ends a good catch by Steven on Al’s return ended Dance (30) just short of the 50 partnership.  TCB.  Tom battered a few of the skipper’s pies over the long on boundary.  [No respect there then.  Ha.  Ha.  Ed]  Jamie bowled well but without luck and it was Duncan’s return which swept up the tail efficiently.  Tranent PV were all out in the final over for 141, a decent recovery and probably more than the Positivelys’ skipper bargained for at the toss.  Nevertheless it was a good bowling and fielding effort by the Positivelys with Duncan ending with 4-23, Al 3-26.

John Beattie’s home baked empire biscuits…..

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…..were the unquestioned highlight of a tea table groaning with provender.  A measure of what is necessary to get a top 4 batting slot in the Positivelys.  John could only look aghast as the skipper ordered the batting he got the wrong Beattie, ‘Jamie number 4.’ he said.  John  looked ruefully round – perhaps if he’d put jelly tots rather than cherries on top.

Play restarted with the sun moving behind the clouds again and the drizzle returning. Openers Martin and the Young Master looked in no difficulty but both were bowled to leave the Positivelys on 20-2 after 8.  142 suddenly seemed a long way off.  There was a bit of business to be taken care of.  What you need, baby we got it – harmonised Anish and Jamie as they calmly put together a match winning partnership.  Anish made the most of being let off when in single figures and played a mixture of elegant and brutal shots all around the wicket.  A huge six went into the undergrowth behind the bowler.   Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me.  Miraculously the ball was found and played as it lied [Are you sure you have the right game in mind there?  Ed] Jamie played an excellent foil pushing and prodding singles to keep Anish on the strike.  What you need…….The young Brunton twins produced some good deliveries and both worked hard for their side.  On another day perhaps they might have had more reward, but could make no further inroads today.  The end came in the 27th over as Anish, with one of his least elegant strokes, clubbed it through mid-off.  Anish finished with 90*, Jamie 20* in an unbeaten partnership of 122.

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It is with some pride that your correspondent notes that the 2 highest partnerships by the Positivelys this year have both featured an under 13 batsman.

Even more

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That is what it means to me.

R – E – S – P – E – C – T also to Tranent Preston Village – your correspondent has remarked before of the great commitment shown by this club to retain cricket in that part of East Lothian.  They put up a stout well humoured fight that was worth more than the handful of points they came away with.  Thanks to them and good luck next week.

It is not for your correspondent to judge whether this match was a fitting tribute to Aretha Franklin – there may be few other cricket matches dedicated to her memory, so we do not know the standard that has been set. The result does however keep the Positivelys well in the hunt for the promotion slot to the league where they will be allowed more than 20 minutes for tea.  They travel to Largo for the final match of the season next week.  A huge travelling support is expected to see them TCB.

Supporters preparing for that encounter would do well to remind themselves of Aretha Franklin’s highest charting UK hit – ‘I say a little prayer’