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THE SCOTTISH QUALIFICATIONS AUTHORITY

NATIONAL QUALIFICATIONS 2016

NOT VERY ADVANCED HIGHER

Subject : Carlton Positively 4th XI v Livingston 2nd XI – Paper I

This examination takes the form of a series of multiple choice questions. 

You should mark one and only one answer. 

Time allowed – 40 overs a side.  You may break for tea at the half way point. 

You may not use a calculator (even in the attempt to get the scorebooks to add up).

Question 1 – The match begins at 1.00pm.  When the skipper asks his team to assemble at Grange Loan at 12noon, what time do they interpret that they should appear?

• 12.57pm
• 12.58pm
• 12.59pm

Question 2 - It is a beautiful May day at Grange Loan.  The sun is high in the sky.  Barely a breeze stirs the air.  The ground looks perfect.  The cherry blossom is at its height. The wicket is hard and dry – nearly 500 runs were scored on it yesterday.  The outfield is dry and the SQA have pleasure in noting how extremely well cut it was [Readers may smell a rat here – and if they didn’t hear it already they might as well know that it was none other than the Fourth team skipper who assisted the Doughty Groundsman in this important duty.  It may be the most useful thing he does all season.  Ed]  The skipper wins the toss.  What does he decide?

• Bat
• Bowl
• Offer the best of 3 to the opposing skipper.

Question 3 - On learning that the skipper opted to bowl, and taking into account the batting surface, how many of his teammates threw themselves on the ground weeping profusely?

• 10
• 10
• 10

Question 4 – Steven Andrews and Saif Khan open the bowling and don’t give much away.  Saif removes the opener’s middle stump in his 5th over.  The skipper then asks Nick Thomson to bowl and he takes a caught and bowled in his first over.  Who should take the credit?

• Nick Thomson for his quick reactions
• The skipper for an inspired bowling change
• Neither – there is no credit in such a dismissal - Nick and Saif are both left arm over and this should not be allowed in lower league cricket.

Question 5 – Ruth bowls a great spell bending the ball away from the batsman and beating the bat with monotonous regularity. See Figure (i) below. The skipper sets 3 slips and a gully.  Which words most accurately describe the  probability that any of them will catch any snick?

• Snowball’s
• Nae chance
• Scooby’s.

      Figure (i)

 

Question 6 – Eric snaffles one from Ruth.  Nick takes 2 more, another even better c&b diving to his left.  From 43 for 3 at drinks, Livi are 60 for 6 and in some trouble. Fin comes on to bowl at the bottom end see See Figure (ii) below.  His first ball is a bit short but the batsman mistimes an attempted big shot and the ball is held at midwicket by Feds. Taking into account Aristotlean logic, how would a rationalist explain this outcome?  Was it:

• The outcome Fin would always have expected from his carefully disguised mystery delivery
• Another inspired bowling change by the skipper
• What makes lower league cricket what it is.

      Figure (ii)

Question 7 – Arsal and Eric combine to force a run out.  Fin traps another batsman plum as does Duncs an over later.  The last pair are now at the wicket.  Saif comes back into the attack.  He gets the edge of the bat and the ball speeds towards the skipper at slip.  Does he:

• Leap like a salmon high to his left to grasp the ball in one hand like a Collingwood
• Pluck the ball sweetly off his toes with the soft hands of a Dravid
• Let the ball hit his chest, bounce off a shoulder, trickle down one arm, up the other before letting it nestle in the crook of his elbow and claiming the catch without the ball ever coming in contact with either of his hands. 

Question 8 – Livi are all out for 85 in the 36th over.  They may feel that they haven’t quite done themselves justice, nor taken advantage of an excellent wicket and batting conditions.  The Positivelys can be pleased at an all round top drawer bowling and fielding performance with Nick 3-14, Saif 2-5 and Fin 2-18, Ruth 1-21, Dunc 1-7.  Catches for Ruth Eric and Feds.  After a splendid tea, Eric opens the chase with birthday boy Tristam See Figure (iii) below.  How does he celebrate his birthday

• With an excess of Prosecco and swan diving into Blackford Pond
• Quietly cataloguing his collection of matchbox covers
• Growing in confidence at the crease eventually taking 3 steps down the track to smack the spinner back over his head and finishing on 29*

      Figure (iii)

Question 9 – Eric pulls a 6 up the hill to bring up his third 50 in a row and shortly after the match is over.  The Positivelys win by 10 wickets, coincidentally the same margin as the First XI at Prestwick.  All the Positivelys’ batsmen are still weeping at missing out.  The skipper ruthlessly justifies his decision by pointing at the name of Carlton 4 at the top of the division.  What word best describes this

• Insane
• Demented
• Only too typical of the man

The SQA would like to thank Livingston Cricket Club for their enthusiastic participation in the field work necessary to prepare this examination paper.  They look forward to gathering further data to assist the preparation of a Paper II later in the season.

Match cancelled

Your correspondent has gained access to a recording of the highly secret planning meeting of the Leith Constabulary. He presents these controversial disclosures in the public interest ...

.....Right assembled rozzers – we need to plan carefully for Leith Links on Sunday... all leave is cancelled....

[There are moans around the table]

There’ll be a huge crowd. Maybe quarter of a million.

Yes it’s ESCA Div 6 - Carlton Positively 4th XI against Teuchters CC.

The risk of riot is high.

Fantasy Bob is playing.

[A collective groan]

Both sides unbeaten. One must lose. Things might turn ugly.

Fantasy Bob is ugly already.

We have a duty to ensure public order.

We’ll need the horses...

......and the water cannons.

What about tear gas?

Good idea.

We should cordon the area off. Make it an empire biscuit free zone.

Excellent suggestion...........[the telephone rings..........]

Yes sir...yes sir.......YES SIR.... [the phone is put down]

Now listen up. That was Central HQ - apparently Hibs have won the Scottish Cup for the first time in 411 years [muted cheers from the back of the room]. They’ll be having a victory parade in Leith Links tomorrow. They’re expecting at least 20 people. There’ll be an open top bus.............

...........and 3 additional cars.

[There is a stunned silence as the implications sink in].

What can we do? We can’t let it happen. It’s too risky.

You’re right. There’s only one thing for it.

The cricket cannot be allowed to impose a threat to public order

..or cause distress to football fans...

...and make parking difficult.​

Absolutely right we simply cannot endanger peaceable parking.

We must act.

Quick - get a warrant for the arrest of Fantasy Bob and his known associates.........

[There is the sound of several police sirens as the recording comes to a close........]

Editor’s note – Carlton CC would like to point out that it does not condone the eavesdropping into sensitive police communications which was undertaken by the correspondent on an entirely personal basis. Anyone who has seen him on the golf course will know that he is a bit of a hacker. The correspondent is now understood to be holed up at the Ecuadorian embassy.

Scorecard

Your correspondent has many fond memories of visits to Inverleith – [You might well, but the readers don’t - they’re still only just getting over the report you did in Scots verse of a match there a couple of years ago. Please don’t pull that stunt again. Ed].

He therefore looked forward to another visit to follow the Carlton Positively 4th XI on their latest adventure in the elite heights of ESCA Div 6 as they took on the mighty SMRH 3. In his experience, Inverleith is a meteorological site with rare and special properties. Under a grey sky as the wind sweeps across its tundra it can chill to the bone. Then the sun will appear – and it gets even colder.

As your correspondent made his way to Ferry Road through the series of connected road works that Edinburgh quaintly presents to tourists at this time of year [Let’s face it – at any time of year. Ed] his mind was on an erudite article he had read in the quality press which suggested that the world had now entered the age of post-factual politics. Politicians assert one thing when the reality is the exact opposite. He wondered why political discourse had taken so long to catch up, since he had developed the concept of the post-factual match report many years ago. [As if the few brave folk who read this stuff didn’t realise that. Ed]

This post-factual thing could make things difficult. When your correspondent reports that when he arrived at Inverleith he found it necessary to shed his parka, his balaclava, his goose down gilet, his merino base layers, his ear muffs, his ski mitts, and his beanie, will he be accused of post factual reporting. Surely any suggestion that weather at Inverleith approached balmy would be post-factual spin?

And when he reports that the skipper of the Positivelys lost the toss by a considerable margin, his readers will reject this as a post-factual denigration of the great tosser himself. They will wonder at your correspondent’s motives in presenting such calumny. [No they won’t they’ll just be grateful that you haven’t launched into Scots verse so far. Ed]

When he goes on to tell his readers that when the Positivelys are put into bat, the skipper retorts that it is what he would have done anyway, they may feel the acrid scent of the post-factual entering their nostrils. For when the skipper last opted to bat, Gustav Mahler was still perfecting his bowling action (whatever it was). [Good Lord, how did you manage to sneak that in. Haven’t you given that cause up. If not, you should. Ed] Even at this early stage in the report therefore, the reader is confused and uneasy [No change there then. Ed]

There may be a whiff of the factual in the suggestion that Eric and young Harry Simpson opened the batting. The reader may be on firmer ground here. He may accept the report that Singh bowled a quality spell from the road end and made it hard for both batsmen as a generally accurate representation of the facts. He may respond with disappointment, but not incredulity, at your correspondent’s sad telling that in his fourth over Singh beautifully yorked Harry- Harry had arrived at Inverleith breathless from a piping competition in Bathgate – and now sat on the boundary to pipe the sad pibroch ‘Harry Simpson’s Leaving of the Crease’ . But will they believe that Singh then bowled Tristram with the next ball and suddenly the Positivelys were 30-2? Or that Al Murray resolutely denied Singh his hattrick.

They will want to believe your correspondent when he reports that Eric and Al then put on 250 together in a dazzling display of batting before the Positivelys enjoyed a sumptuous tea. However, your correspondent is bound in the interests of balance to note that other research materials he has consulted suggest that Eric and Al were out in quick succession to leave the Positivelys on 45-4 after 15 overs and not looking in any kind of shape. Those alternative sources suggest that the innings was rescued by an aggressive stand between Hari (36) and Douglas Blood (39 - gaining his first cap for the Positivelys). They gave the innings a veneer of respectability but both were out just when it looked like they could go on to cause SMRH some serious damage.

A bright last wicket partnership between Duncan and Ruth added another 30 to give the Positivelys a total of 166, and the full ration of batting points. 8 Positivelys were bowled suggesting that the skipper’s legendary inability to repel a straight ball may be contagious.

Your correspondent invites his readers to make their own mind up between these alternative versions in the confident expectation that at least one of them is not post-factual.

Sadly your correspondent has to record that the tea verged dangerously close to the post-factual. The apologetic allegation from the home team that SMRH First XI had scoffed the lot will be the subject of an official inquiry by Sir John Chilcott who is expected to be available shortly.

The Positivelys then bowled SMRH out for 25 [Could you please find corroborating evidence for that statement. Ed]
In a tour de force of investigative journalism, your correspondent has spoken to many eye witnesses and finds that the official dossier suggesting that the Positivelys skittled them for 25 to be slightly exaggerated or ‘totally sexed up’, to quote an unnamed senior source. He now understands that despite a some high quality bowling from Duncan and Ruth in particular, SMRH made steady progress towards the target. Fin (2-37) almost upset them with 2 wickets in an over – bowling Sukamar who attempted an extravagant reverse sweep and got his just desserts [Readers should note that this is not post-factual. Ed]. Fin was denied his hattrick by the cruel insistence of the umpire that the LBW law’s reference to pitching outside the line of leg stump also applied in the case of 11 year old bowlers. But Vic Coltherd proved once again a rock on which Carlton bowlers battered themselves fruitlessly as he batted through the innings to stroke SMRH over the finishing line in the last over with 6 wickets to spare. He finished on 76*. [This has a ring of truth about it. Ed]

And so in the sunshine with the temperature above freezing the bright start to the Positivelys’ season came to an end. They ruefully offered their congratulations to their opponents, stronger in bowling and batting on the day and worthy winners led as they were by former Carlton 4th XI star Shuaib Farooq.

Your correspondent apologises if readers have found all this confusing – he has too. Regretfully, this is the nature of the post-factual world. He is sure that all this confusion could have been avoided by a report of proceedings in Scots verse [Oh no you don’t Ed]

RAINED OFF

Your correspondent spent the week in eager anticipation of accompanying the Carlton Positively 4th XI as they made their way to Falkland for their latest tussle in the elite heights of ESCA Division 6. He was confident that the Positivelys could put last week’s disappointing reverse behind them. It seemed a good day for them to prosper for your correspondent had noted that the day was the birthday of George Orwell, greatest of English essayists who ended his career with a top score was 1984 not out.

This seemed more than appropriate. For as he has devotedly followed the Positivelys this season, with , he might add, no thought as to his own personal danger, your correspondent has on many occasions witnessed the truth of Orwell’s observation that ‘Cricket is a game full of forlorn hopes and sudden dramatic changes of fortune and its rules are so ill-defined that their interpretation is partly an ethical business.’ Your correspondent has already run the full gamut of these factors and the season is only half done. He has seen tosses dramatically won against all the odds. He has seen tosses forlornly lost at the batting of an eyelid. He has shared the ill-defined emotion of the team as their skipper returns ashen faced from the ritual of the toss, to tell them the unwelcome news. Hopes forlorn hardly describes it. Dramatic change of fortune is an understatement. Eager to bat they are told they must field. It is ethically dodgy. Falkland, once the hunting grounds of the Royal Stuarts, seemed just the right place to put these thoughts to the test. Your correspondent looked forward to more by way of ethical business.

Even as the rain thundered against his roof during the night, his rest disturbed, your correspondent found solace in Orwell’s praise of doughty groundsmen – did he not extol their efforts in his well-known quote ‘People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.’ Surely the team that prepared the royal hunting grounds would get things right to allow the match to proceed.

Sadly it was not to be. The news came through. Wicket not only green and a tad soft, but a tad underwater. Match off.
And was it not Orwell who wrote that ‘The best books are those that tell you what you already know’. Just as best the match reports are those that tell you what you already know. Except if a match report were to reveal the secret of Gustav Mahler’s bowling action [Oh for goodness sake. That’s enough. Ed]

Scorecard

It is not often, if at all, that your correspondent’s enjoyment of the adventures of the Carlton Positively 4th XI in the elite ESCA Division 6 have been interrupted by a large flying machine attempting to land at square leg. But there is it was, large as life and three times as noisy.

Your correspondent looked up and read the word RESCUE written in capital letters on its belly. ‘Good,’ he thought, ‘the call to Tracy Island had got through.’ Thunderbirds are Go. International Rescue were here. Just in the nick of time. For at that moment the Positivelys’ innings against Dunbar was hanging off the cliff by a thread……………. It was time for Virgil. [Oh no you’re not going to go all Latin poetry again are you? Ed] He would surely stand up to the accurate and feisty bowling in the strong cross wind which had done for the flower of the Positively’s batting. Your correspondent acknowledges that string puppets do not have a strong reputation as batsmen. But this is Virgil Tracy we are talking about. A man [Er, puppet surely. Ed] with individually animated eyebrows. All would be well. The stirring theme tune swelled in your correspondent’s breast. Dum, di,di,dum………

 

But as Thunderbird 5 loomed overhead, no Virgil Tracy descended dangling on a line. It overshot the outfield and landed in a neighbouring car park. Still no Virgil Tracy. Not even Scott Tracy. No Supermarionation. No eyebrows. No Dum, di, di dum…..Thunderbird 5 turned out only to be a coastguard helicopter liaising with local police.

The Positivelys were on their own. And it was not a pretty sight. Over the years, Dunbar has been the sight of 2 pitched battles, in 1296 and 1650. On both occasions, the home side lost the toss and was routed, by Edward I and Oliver Cromwell respectively. The Home Side made clear that they were going to use this match to put this shameful record to bed. Not only did they win the toss in a manner that would have gratified Edward I, they bowled and caught with Cromwellian endeavour. Only GMac (21) and Hari (18*) got any measure of the conditions as the innings stumbled its way to 64 all out. This was not the swashbuckling Caribbean cricket for which the Positivelys have gained a reputation across the cricketing world. The sole crumb of comfort for your correspondent was to see the Positively’s batters sportingly walking when they nicked behind rather than waiting to be given out. But did so many of them need to do so to make the point?

‘Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when we’re out for 64?’……runs the song. [Come on you’ve done Paul McCartney already this year. Show some imagination. Ed] It was the ‘Will you still feed me’ bit which was uppermost in the youthful Positively minds. They barely deserved tea after such a performance, but they were generously provided for with a fine selection of sandwiches from the adjacent Rock Hotel and they gave a fair impression of the gannets on the visible Bass Rock as they demolished the provender. Sandwiches gone they turned expectantly in search of an Empire biscuit. But there were none, nor any other cakes – perhaps a justifiable comment on their performance with the bat.

A heavy squall blew in from the west as tea was taken. The Bass Rock disappeared from view. The boundary -side gazebo looked in danger of joining the gambolling kite that had earlier made a bid for freedom across the ground. Maybe the weather would save the Positivelys from further ignominy. Test matches have been abandoned in less exacting conditions. But the rain relented, and as the sun uncertainly came out from behind the towering black clouds, to illuminate the Bass Rock again, play got underway.

As the Positivelys prepared to bowl, inspirational words were needed from the skipper. ‘Don’t let the absence of empire biscuits get you down. Remember Oliver Cromwell. Remember Edward I .’ ‘Weren’t they available today?’ inquired a fresh- faced junior. A good question, although your correspondent does not believe either meets the registration requirements of ESCA having been dead for more than the allowed number of years. Otherwise, they might have been an option for the Carlton selectors whose deliberations this week had had to make use of more computing power than it took to get a man on the moon as they sought to juggle the available players across the weekend’s teams while meeting the need to ensure transport to the distant, if not exotic, venues of Glenrothes and Fife.

The skipper’s oration seemed to work. Excellent opening spells from Sibley (1-17) and Gill (2-11) had Dunbar 11-3 and the Positivelys started to believe. Dunbar were on the ropes. Callum was going past the bat 4 times an over but just couldn’t bring that vital nick. Slowly the Dunbar score mounted. In desperation the skipper turned to himself. [That is beyond desperation. Ed] Desperation became inspiration as he took a wicket in his first over. Then GMac castled the dangerous Vance - 42-5 and perhaps………………..But it was not to be. Binnie and Wanless buckled down, minimised risk and brought their side home in the 26th over.

‘Virgil Tracy would have made a difference,’ muttered a junior member as the chastened Positivelys slumped from the field. ‘Yes,’ said his pal, ‘He might have won the toss……………’

Congratulations to Dunbar, who leap above the Positivelys in the league table. A match played in excellent spirit. Good luck for the rest of the season and we hope to see you again next year.

Scorecard

Jean-Paul Sartre [ Oh no – I dread to think what might be coming next. Ed ] remarked, in that pithy French existentialist way of his, that we are our choices.

It is not clear, at least to your correspondent [ Groan.Nothing ever is, is it? Ed ], the extent to which cricket was uppermost in his mind in making this observation or, as seems more likely, whether he had in mind the consequences of yet another amorous dalliance with someone other than Simone de Beauvoir. But your correspondent is sure that Sartre will not have faced a choice as agonising as that facing your correspondent yesterday. Had he done so, the course of Western philosophy might have changed. Existentialism might never have got going. There would have been no Being and Nothingness. No Roads to Freedom. Sales of black polo necks would have languished.

For as he looked at his calendar, your correspondent was faced with a cornucopia of elite sporting spectacles: the European Championship Cup final at the Stade de France, Murray v Raonic at Wimbledon, the Carlton Positively 4 th XI vs Kirk Brae at Grange Loan. He agonised. He tossed and turned all night. He had to choose. How would Sartre have faced up to this decision? For according to him, ‘It is in our decisions that we are important.’ He also said that ‘We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are – that is a fact.’ It was clear therefore that Sartre was going to be absolutely no help at all. Your correspondent had to face the decision alone. And maybe that’s what Sartre was on about. [Oh very clever. Ed ]

In the end your correspondent brought to mind Sartre’s remark that ‘Hell is other people.’ There would be 80,000 at the Stade de France, 30,000 at Wimbledon. Many would be existentialists. Some would be celebrities. While a sizable crowd might be expected at Grange Loan to see if the Positivelys could regain some momentum in their season after the disappointment of 2 consecutive defeats, there was unlikely to be such a press of people. Thus persuaded, your correspondent made his way to Grange Loan. His chances of encountering an existentialist were low but he would take his place amongst the celebrities that were likely to appear in the course of the afternoon.

As your correspondent arrived at the ground, the weather forecast did not look promising with regular and steady showers promised but play started on time. ‘Existence precedes and rules essence’, according to Sartre. The toss precedes and rules play, he might have added had he shown any interest in cricketing matters. It would seem consistent with a Sartrean view of the world that the Positivelys’ skipper lost the toss by an existential margin.

The Kirk Brae skipper defined himself by the choice of batting. Three balls into his innings he recognised the truth of Sartre’s observation that ‘Man is anguish’, for a snick to Matt Edwards was safely pouched by the Positivelys’ skipper at slip [ Good Lord. This is beyond belief. Ed ] to give the home team the perfect start. Matt and Pete Gill kept things tight until Pete bowled the other opener Raja round his legs. Carter then got into the act bowling the number 3 bat just when he was looking to cut loose and Kirk Brae were 48 for 3 at drinks. The pressure was on them to accelerate the scoring. They began to look for quick runs. The Positivelys had to be on their toes. Usman Tahir pushed and called his partner Umer. The youngest man in the side Jamie Beattie swooped from midwicket and threw down the wicket. Umer short of his ground. Out! A superb bit of fielding. Once again the opposition learn the hard way that there is never an easy single to a Positivelys’ junior. Jamie remarked to your correspondent later, ‘Listen mate, you know that Sartre said that ‘For an occurrence to become an adventure it is necessary and sufficient for one to recount it.’ So I’m expecting something good in your match report about this.’ [I suppose we have to take your word for it that he really said this. Ed ]​

Kirk Brae are a high scoring team but accurate bowling and a slow outfield, dampened by a light shower, meant that they found runs hard to come by. While Usman looked secure, ending up undefeated for a patient 32*, the Positivelys chipped away at the other end. A c&b to Carter, which a more excitable match reporter might have described as involving an athletic dive to his left (followed by a slightly less athletic regaining of his upright posture) gave him the characteristically miserly figures of 2-14 off his 8 overs; another Positively junior run out as Fin stretched turned and threw accurately; Fin then tossed one up to clean bowl Bilal leaving it to the skipper to clean up the tail thanks to a fine catch by Matt up the hill and the batters’ inability to deal with the extreme pace of his even slower ball. [ He hasn’t developed an even slower ball has he? The laws of physics shouldn’t allow that. Ed ] Fantasy Bob 3-11 and Kirk Brae all out for 117 after 33 overs.

‘To eat,’ says Sartre,’ is to appropriate by destruction.’ And a lot of appropriation by destruction went on. The table groaned with provender. Even Sartre, a man with an eye for a biscuit, would have been gratified at the generous display of empire biscuits of various colours and sizes.

Batting is. Batting is in-itself. Batting is what it is. The skipper reminded his troops of Satre’s wisdom as they prepared for the chase. Jamie disagreed, ‘Bob that’s wrong, I think you’ll find Sartre said ‘Being is. Being is in-itself. Being is what it is.’ He was of course making the point that we lack a predetermined essence and we are forced to create ourselves from nothingness. I agree that you can infer that he was referring to batting here, since every batter starts on nothing, some of course stay on nothing which is another matter. But you need to get the quote right.’ The skipper thanked Jamie for his observation and once again wondered at the rich talent that the Carlton junior section presented to him.

Eric and Beattie senior opened. They looked secure until John was narrowly run out – Being and Nothingness with the emphasis on the Nothingness. A bowling change brought the left armer Ali in to the attack and he began to make inroads, getting both Eric (32) and Gregor caught behind. Neil Kirk was joined by Jamie and they pushed the score on to 66 with Jamie looking good - solid in defence and running well between the wickets before he was undone by the additional pace of change bowler Raza. His splendid 3 is the highest score by a 10 year old in Carlton senior teams.

Pete Gill looked elegance itself, sublimely stroking a four up the hill through point, until he played too early and was c&b by Ali. Fin then also played too early to give Ali his fourth wicket. 77-6. Ali 4-35. There was a collective in-take of breath in the crowd - Nausea. Surely the Positivelys weren’t going to let this one slip? Al Murray didn’t think so. He arrested the slide and brought his team within sight of the finishing line with a bright 15, complementing Neil well who had moved steadily into the 30s with secure defence and positive treatment of the bad ball. Your correspondent joined the many in the crowd who were pleased to see Neil at GL again after a long injury and childcare induced absence. It looked like Al and Neil would see it through until Al was well caught at mid off ,leaving it to the skipper to scrabble about for a couple of overs as Neil brought up the winning runs. Victory for Carlton by 3 wickets.

Sartre said ‘Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.’ Which shows how much he knew about cricket or match reporting. [ Are you sure? Maybe he was referring to your match reports where no one can work out anything about what happened. Ed ]

Well done Positivelys back on the victory trail with good contributions from every player. Many thanks to Kirk Brae – always a pleasure to play against. Have a good second half of the season and we’ll meet again next year.

Scorecard

On arriving at Grange Loan yesterday in anticipation of accompanying the Carlton Positively 4th XI on their latest tussle in the elite levels of ESCA Division 6, your correspondent noted a myriad of unfamiliar keen eyed youngsters swarming around the Pavilion.

Your correspondent didn’t have to think too hard for an explanation. He has no idea what Pokémon Go is but he rapidly concluded that the ever go-ahead powers-that-be at the club are light years ahead of him and have demonstrated once again their uncanny grip on the modern world by ensuring that the hallowed ground is a Pokestop. The frantic quest to capture the devious Carlton Pokémon , the Fraggleagon, was on. But only disappointment showed on the boys’ faces, for the Fraggleagon was gone – deserting his natural habitat for the Open at Troon. [Shocking. Ed] The disappointment soon turned to delight when the Positivelys’ skipper assured them that there was rich Pokemon hunting to be had at the West Lothian cricketing centre of Livingston. The Carlton powers that be firmly believe that youngsters learn many lessons from the experience of playing senior cricket at an early age – one of these lessons, which they usually learn within 10 minutes, is not to believe anything the skipper says. [Surely it doesn’t take them that long. Ed]

So it was that the Positivelys’ ventured forth with 3 young debutants. Saachin, Eric and Murdo, eagerly looking forward to some serious Pokémon hunting. Also in the mix were 2 familiar faces in Kevin Whitaker and Michael Scott, making their first long awaited appearances of the season and who seemed less animated by the possibility of Pokémon hunting. They would settle for a good tea.

Your correspondent is ashamed to say that among the cricket grounds in the world he had not visited previously is Livingston’s Turpie Sports Ground at Dresselrig. This much he had in common with the Positivelys’ skipper. [Funny that. Ed.] They found a well presented and well prepared ground - a credit to the club and its membership. However your correspondent is bound to point out to the Livingston management that they need to get in tune with the modern world. Covers may be all very well. Big screen TV too. But his new young charges advised him respectfully [They’ll get over that soon. Ed] earnestly looking at their I-Phones, that the ground did not seem to be a Pokestop. He urges Livingston CC to address this issue as soon as possible.

It took some time for the Positivelys’ skipper to counsel his young companions to put behind them their disappointment at there being no Pokemon action in prospect. He promised everything. Thrills, excitement, spills, drama. ‘And that’s only the toss,’ said Kevin.

Speaking of which, the skipper returned from the middle to report that he had won the toss. With due modesty he described the margin of victory as immeasurable – a significant achievement at this stage of the season. ‘Don’t you always win?’ a new player sought clarification. There was silence from the more experienced team members as without so much as an instruction they prepared to field. The young voice piped up again, ‘Are we fielding? How did you know that?’ ‘These young players have so much to learn.’ said Fin.

Matt Edwards and Steven Andrews opened in a fresh cross wind. Matt made early inroads with 2 catches to (Old) Eric behind the stumps : c Edwards b Edwards. Another young voice piped up from Pokemon free midwicket ‘Is this a family game, or are we allowed to play too?’ Soon enough the frustrated Pokemon hunters got into the act. Saachin replaced Steven after a tight but luckless spell and struck gold immediately getting Livi skipper and run machine Neil Jarvis to top edge high into the grey sky. There was never ever any doubt that (young) Eric McKinley would pouch it as he stood firm and focussed under it at Pokemon free fine leg . Well done boys. Saachin then struck twice more to finish his 5 over spell with 3-14, a great introduction to senior cricket. Fin was twirling it from the other end and he too got into the act as Daniel took a fine catch on the distant mid-wicket boundary (also a Pokemon free environment).

At half way Livi were 49-6 and the Positivelys were looking good; at 62-7 even better as Fin got another. Fin 2-25. But then the highest partnership of the afternoon between Naveen and Bash took things away from them. [Are you going to tell us that the skipper was bowling ineffectually for most of this? Ed] They put on 45 together before Steven came back to get Naveen well caught in the deep by Matt for an aggressive 38. Daniel then cleaned the tail up with 2-7 and Liv finished on 116. An excellent effort in the field from the Positivelys – the new boys all did particularly well in stopping runs and getting quick returns in. While 116 looked more than seemed likely at certain stages in the innings, it looked like a total the Positivelys could match.

What was required at this stage in the proceedings was an excellent tea. This was duly presented and the Positivelys duly got stuck into it with relish.

Fin and (Old) Eric opened. Fin knuckled down well to the opener’s role but was unlucky to be undone by the change of pace from the change bowler. Timing the ball was hard as the ball held up on the wicket. It was as struggle to keep up with the modest run rate. No one could stay with Eric and wickets fell too regularly as Livi chipped away. In his first senior innings Murdo showed more purpose and stickability than his more experienced team mates. As the overs went by a tight finish looked in prospect. Eric brought up his 50 with a big 6 and for the moment things looked good for the Positivelys. Then he mistimed the next ball and was caught at square leg. Things didn’t look so good for the Positivelys. Another wicket and things looked good for Livi. 98 for 8 and 6 overs left. Who is your money on? A couple of tight overs and things looked good for Livi. 106 for 8 with 3 overs left. A couple of forcing shots from Daniel and an elegant glance from Steven for 4 and things looked good for the Positivelys. 114 for 8 - 2 overs left.

The Positivelys’ skipper looks out his victory speech. 2 off the first ball. Scores level. Victory in sight. A fumble in the field, the batsmen run, but the ball is recovered and thrown at the bowler’s end, the bowler is facing the wrong way without turning he flicks the ball behind him – miraculously it hits the wickets. Out! The next ball is a miracle ball and completely cleans Steven out. The game finishes with scores level – a tie.

The skipper looked proudly at the three debutants each of who made an important contribution. ‘Well boys, didn’t I promise you drama? Isn’t that better than Pokémon hunting?’ The answer came only slowly, ‘The tea was good.’ ‘Yes, we liked the tea.’

Many thanks to Livingston for a fine match with lots of incident, great spirit and a truly excellent tea. In the end a tie was a fair result as the outcome swung back and forward and each side will dwell on those ‘if only’ moments which could have secured victory.

As the Positivelys returned to Grange Loan there was still no sign of the Fraggleagon.

MATCH ABANDONED

Scorecard

Your correspondent journeyed to the cricketing epicentre of Fife at Gilvenbank Park, Glenrothes to the accompaniment of Test Match Special’s commentary on events at Edgbaston as England struggled for supremacy against Pakistan.

For a reason not readily apparent to your correspondent, whose concentration was rather on navigating the slalom course of pot holes that Edinburgh’s City Fathers take pride in presenting to drivers as an additional Festival time excitement, the conversation turned to unfinished innings and batsmen left stranded on 99. A familiar name suddenly diverted your correspondent’s attention back to the commentary. Graeme Swan told of an incident when he played at Northants involving a certain Toby Bailey who was left high and dry on 99 as his batting partner took a mighty and ineffective dart at the bowling only to miss by a country mile. ‘Poor old Toby….’ murmured Swanny with the hint of a giggle.

He would certainly have had more sympathy for his erstwhile team-mate if he knew what was coming later in Bailey’s career. For a few years over the horizon lay in wait the skipper of Carlton’s Positively 4th XI who, when Bailey was appointed head coach at Carlton, was not slow in seeking his advice on how to improve his lowly batting average. Having for a minute or so watched the skipper in the nets facing the demons of Carlton’s 11 year old bowlers, Bailey considered immediate resignation - the task seemed beyond even his gifts as a coach. He wondered how to get out of this difficult spot. Suddenly it came to him – a diversionary tactic was necessary. As the skipper untangled himself from another heave across the line, Bailey nodded approvingly. ‘By the way, what do you think Gustav Mahler’s bowling action was? Did he bowl the doosra…………….’ This was a metaphorical half volley outside off and the skipper’s metaphorical bat came through the line of the metaphorical ball - all interest in the batting lesson was forgotten as he explained at some length how the Mahler’s doosra was left unfinished alongside his tenth symphony at the time of his death. The symphony has been completed by other hands working from sketches, but the doosra remains a mystery. [Dear readers, we think this an exceedingly unlikely story, we hope Toby Bailey’s lawyers will not advise action, and have urged the correspondent to get on with something relevant to yesterday’s match. Ed] Your correspondent has it from the skipper that following this session his batting has improved [Now we know you’re making this up. Get on with it. Ed].

Gilvenbank Park lay green under a blue sky as the Positivelys arrived. It looked a perfect afternoon for cricket. It was vital that, after last week’s narrow reverse, the Positivelys got back on the winning trail to maintain any kind of chance of promotion. The skipper looked at the record books with satisfaction – he was unbeaten at this venue. Two tosses won out of two. It was therefore with a rare confidence that he strode out to the middle. ‘Leave this to me, boys,’ he said inaccurately to his team which included two girls as they went through their extended warm up routines.

The coin spun. ‘Heads,’ called the skipper, with a slight swagger. He looked expectantly at the coin as it lay on the wicket and his knees buckled. ‘Tails – you bat,’ said Glens’ skipper with a cruel chuckle.

Eric opened with Euan Burgess, making a long overdue debut for the Positivelys, and they started at express pace, taking advantage of a couple of loose overs and a short legside boundary. 49 came up in no time. But the introduction of left armer Assad changed things – he cleaned Euan up, had Al plumb, and got Eric, 37 and looking good for lots more, to play on. When Leigh also played on at the other end the bright beginning did not look so good at 66 for 4. The clouds were building not only metaphorically but also literally. [Very clever. Have you been taking lessons? Ed] The sun that had welcomed the players on to the field was fast disappearing behind banks of grey.

By 93 both Hari (22) and Michael had gone bringing the skipper to the crease. The Glenrothes fielders began to think of the early tea that was in prospect, but they were confounded and had to wait. The skipper knuckled down – this was not pretty, the heavy outfield slowed the scoring rate [Observers suggest this was as much due to the skipper’s inability to time the ball. Ed] Batting the overs was the priority. But in partnership with Fin and then Jamie, the score moved on steadily. Fin was unluckily caught at square leg with a shot that would have cleared the fielder in junior cricket – maybe only 8 against his name but an excellent effort. Jamie – at 10yrs 2months he sets a new club record for age gap between batting partners - was also looking solid when he was unluckily hit on the head by a fielder’s throw. A nasty blow. He retired hurt but was later in the evening reported well and enjoying tapas and ice cream. [ It is rare to say that we are very glad to read anything in these reports but we make an exception for that news. Well done Jamie. Ed] The skipper then pulled a muscle as he called Ruth for a quick single and accelerated to a moderately brisk walk which was too much for his groin. A runner was necessary. The usual hilarity ensued which was too much for Ruth and Muzza who both were bowled soon after leaving the innings complete on 145 in the final over with the skipper undefeated on 25 and the first drops of rain now falling from the slate grey sky.

After a fine tea and several hopeful looks at the sky the skippers decided to call it a day as the rain became heavy and persistent. The Positivelys were unable to make up any ground on their promotion rivals – a nail biting end to the season is still in prospect. Many thanks to Glenrothes for a most enjoyable half match and a fine tea.

Mahler’s Tenth Symphony was left unfinished. Mozart’s Requiem too. Sadly this match joins that list of unfinished great works of art. Your correspondent would not place this match report anywhere near these works, but at the same time he

[The communication from the correspondent ends here. Is this some pathetic attempt at a joke? Ed]

Scorecard

Your correspondent was serenely minding his own business at Grange Loan waiting for the highly attractive encounter between the Carlton Positively 4th XI and Drummond Trinity 2 to get under way.

As the Positivelys’ first season in the rarified elite levels of ESCA Division 6 reaches its climax they find themselves in bronze medal position.

Overtaking the sides above them may seem a tall order unless one or other of them blows up in the final stages. But stranger things have happened, so it was important for the Positivelys to maintain their winning form and secure at least the coveted bronze medal. An entertaining tussle was in prospect – the reverse fixture earlier in the season had been a tightly contested affair.

Your correspondent’s tranquil reflection on these points was disturbed by a loud cry from the pavilion area of ‘You’ve done WHAT?!?’

He looked up to see the great Fraggle Watts, red faced, eyes bulging, waving his arms in what can only be described as an excited manner. The bloodcurdling scream had evidently come from him. Throughout the neighbourhood, dogs had started barking, emergency services were being scrambled – the world’s media descended eager to learn what horror had taken place.

Prostrate in front of the gesticulating Fraggle was the Positivelys’ skipper. What could such supplication imply? Had the skipper’s over eager cleaning out of the dressing rooms following the first XI’s occupancy of it the day before led him to put Fraggle’s favourite lucky socks, never washed since he scored his last century, in the rubbish bin? [Unnecessary, the socks could have walked there by themselves. Ed]

No – the cause of Fraggle’s ire soon became clear. He continued his outburst, ‘You WON the toss and you are BOWLING! At GRANGE LOAN!’

Your correspondent will leave readers to imagine for themselves the tirade that followed in which the skipper’s sanity, fitness for office and genetic make-up, among other things, were rigorously questioned. There might have been a suggestion that this ‘apology for a decision’ showed the result of listening to too much Gustav Mahler. Eventually the storm abated and Fraggle departed for the tranquillity of his darkened room. As he left the ground, the Positivelys’ skipper raised himself from his prostrate position and dusting himself down, murmured to himself, ‘That Fraggle may have scored a million runs for Scotland, but he doesn’t know anything about lower league cricket.’

This touching incident reminded your correspondent that the day was the precise 60th anniversary of the death of Bertolt Brecht, the great German dramatist and poet. Your correspondent is aware that cricket does not feature much in the work of Brecht, more is the pity. But one of Brecht's most important theatrical principles was what he called the Verfremdungseffekt - the distancing effect. This involved stripping the event being depicted of its self-evident, familiar, obvious quality to create a sense of astonishment and curiosity. To this end, Brecht’s plays employ techniques such as the actor's direct address to the audience, harsh and bright stage lighting, the use of songs to interrupt the action, explanatory placards and so on.

Deciding to bowl at Grange Loan would have been one such technique. Except that the sense of astonishment as shown by Fraggle, was matched only by a weary sense of familiarity by the chosen members of the Positivelys. What the critics might consider Verfremdungseffekt of the Verfremdungseffekt [Oh very clever. Now can you get on with the cricket. Ed]

The new juniors to the side whispered to the more experienced colleagues, ‘Has the skipper ever decided to bat?’ Their innocent enquiries were met with rueful chuckles, ‘You’ll learn boys. You’ll learn.’

Ethan Wood, making a welcome debut to the Positivelys, opened with Matt Edwards. He struck gold with his second ball as an off cutter took Reed’s middle stump and finished with an excellent 1-17 off his 5 over spell - up the hill against the wind, like all the great Positivelys’ bowlers. [Who on earth have you in mind – Mario hasn’t played at this level, has he? Ed] Matt bowled three maidens on the bounce and then struck with 2 caught behinds – the son father dismissal thing is becoming a feature of the Positivelys’ season – Matt 2-21 off 7 and DT in a bit of trouble at 26-3. Further misfortune was to come as Weatherstone could only watch a delivery from Leigh spin off his bat to his pad and thence trickle gently onto the leg stump from which the bail gently fell to earth. [Very poetic. Have you been reading the Guardian again? Ed] Kumar offered some resistance with aggressive hitting until he was splendidly caught by Michael Scott on the long off boundary – Michael made a good 20 yards to take the ball on the run and give young Sachin a well deserved wicket – good for Sachin keeping the ball up to the bat like a true pro. Leigh got another (2-11) and there was a wicket also for Cameron Keatinge, debuting for the Positivelys and bowling nice away swingers (1-22). These were two more catches behind – after each of which Eric was able to calculate the number of Fantasy points he had accrued from each dismissal – as Fraggle observed an hour earlier, there are consequences from listening too much to Mahler. 64-7.

The stage was set for Meadows Andrews who had been scratching his hooves in the outfield while this was going on. Steven charged down the hill generating considerable pace and tore through the remaining batsmen, cartwheeling the stumps on each dismissal. He finished with 3-9 and DT were all out for 98. Perhaps they might feel they did not do justice to the quality of the batting surface but they were faced by an excellent bowling performance from each of the Positivelys’ bowlers and the Verfremdungseffekt they caused.

Your correspondent’s limited vocabulary does not contain enough superlatives to describe the tea that was then laid out. Sachin had arrived for the match on the stroke of 1pm and it became clear why. Your correspondent thought that the youngster was seeking to emulate the great diZZee kartah [New readers to these pages may not be familiar with this personage – it is a term of endearment given in the mists of time by the correspondent to Dave Carter one time President and present Secretary of Carlton CC for reasons that escape the editorial staff. New readers might of course not care a fig about this but are simply wondering why they began to read this and may be wondering if there will ever be a conclusion to these ramblings. In that they are joined by the editorial staff. The correspondent’s skill at Verfremdungseffekt is reaching danger levels Ed] As your correspondent was saying before being so rudely interrupted, diZZee’s legend includes the apparently superhuman ability to arrive just as the umpires cross the boundary - a skill which has given rise to the slanderous suggestion that he has been outside the ground for half an hour waiting for that precise moment to make his entrance. Anyway, Sachin was not so inspired by diZZee’s example, but had been delayed by his Mum’s extended visit to Waitrose in which she appeared to have cleared the store to provide Sachin with his tea for 3. The table groaned with provender which, in addition to Sachin’s bounty, included the world famous Kasperek pancakes. Test match quality. It was a tea beyond the understanding of Fraggle. Well done the Positivelys.

There was still a feast on the table when the time came for the Positivelys to take up the chase. In a truly Brechtian development, causing astonishment and not a little Verfremdungseffekt , the skipper invited Martin Robertson to open with Eric. Martin took to role of opening bat with admirable rigour. He played out 2 consecutive maidens in a manner that reminded all of the great Barnacle himself, although his forward defensives did demonstrate a firmness that eludes even the Barnacle full blooded cover drive. However the illusion of Barnacle was shattered forever when Martin pushed to mid off and called Eric for a quick single. A sigh went round the crowd. Having shown his Boycottian merits for 8 overs Martin decided that it was up to someone else to score the runs, he fancied another of Leigh’s pancakes. Nobly he made way for Al Murray – and that was it. He and Eric knocked off the runs without any further scares and the Positivelys ran out winners by 9 wickets in the 25th over, with Eric on 51* (his 6th half century of the summer – he is 139* against DT) and Al on 39*.
Speaking to the world’s media after the victory, the skipper commended Drummond Trinity for being worthy opponents, he went on vigorously to deny that there was any rift between him and the Fraggle. ‘Fraggle’s lucky socks are safe at the bottom of this cricket bag.’

RAINED OFF

Your correspondent is ashamed at his lapse in standards. He has long upheld the convention that a report for a cancelled match should be filed and available by the time that the match was scheduled to start. He was unable to meet this requirement yesterday and he apologises to all readers to whom the non-appearance of a timeous report on the cancelled Carlton Positively 4th XI’s match in the elite levels of ESCA Division 6 yesterday caused distress [Don’t kid yourself – all of them reported considerable relief. Ed]

Your correspondent has noted the the confirmation yesterday of Carlton’s First XI’s outstanding achievement in winning the East Premier title. This most welcome news may prove some – but not total - compensation for his own failings.

At or around noon yesterday a fleet of high powered executive vehicles left Edinburgh filled with enthusiastic supporters eager to discover whether the Positivelys’ skipper could maintain his outstanding form with coin in hand to confirm his most successful season. Or would he fade when the challenge was at his highest? [We all know the answer to that one Ed.]

As the convoy powered down the A68, the message came through that heavy rain had arrived in Melrose, the coast guard had been summoned to assist the doughty groundsman who had been trapped by the deluge as he marked the crease. One by one the convoy did a handbrake turn and fled the flood waters. Traffic was thrown into chaos. Police helicopters were scrambled to monitor the mounting confusion as tractors from Hawick, caravans from Epping, and visiting continental motor-bikers faced turmoil in a skidding cacophony of ill-tempered horn pressing. A state of emergency was declared by Traffic Scotland, relieved for once that pot holes were not to blame for the mounting disaster. A NATO peace-keeping force was sighted heading for the epicentre of the disaster at the roundabout at Carfraemill. Later reports discounted this as spy cameras confirmed that it was the local TA Landrover heading for the petrol station at Lauder to top up supplies.

Local householders took in distressed travellers, ‘We’ve nivver seen onythin’ like the chaos,’ commented one resident who wished to remain anonymous. ‘This gagder says he’s the skipper, he’s oot in the road an’ just stauns there waving his airms aboot. Totally clueless, he wis.’ [Readers will recognise this uncannily accurate description of the Positivelys’ skipper approach to field placing. Ed]

Your correspondent narrowly avoided the disaster area and sadly returned home. There would be no toss. No cricket. And most disappointingly no opportunity to sample the home baking that is a feature of visiting Borders clubs.

The cancellation of the fixture means that Melrose will be promoted – many congratulations to them - whether they win the league and who else is promoted depends on next week’s final fixtures. The Positivelys are still firmly in the mix – if they win and Dunbar lose, the even more elite levels of Division 5 could beckon. There is therefore still one all-important toss for the skipper to win.

MATCH CONCEDED BY FALKLAND 3

Your correspondent has spent the week in careful preparation for his visit to Edinburgh’s celebrated Home of Cricket (aka the Meadows) to witness the culmination of the Carlton Positively Fourth XI’s adventures in the elite levels of ESCA Division 6. A mouthwatering fixture with Falkland 3 had been scheduled – a jewel to complement the multi-cultural extravaganza that is always the Meadows during the Festival weeks.  Your correspondent was therefore devastated to receive the call from the Senior Executive President of Falkland Cricket Club…

‘Eh, we can’t make it tomorrow……’

What do you mean?

We haven’t a team

But it’s the Meadows…….there’ll be bongo drummers.

Mibbe so – but ye’ve also got that Meadows Andrews laddie – we can’t face him….

 ….there’ll be Zuma dancers…..

Aye right, but that match reporter might write us up in poetry – we can’t take the risk…it would be bad for Fife.

What do you mean?

You see that survey this week which says folk in Fife are the happiest in Britain?

Yes..

Well it’s main question was – If you don’t have to play on the Meadows this season how happy would you be?

Ah I see

Nothing about bongo drummers……..

Oh

..or Zuma dancers

I see

We just can’t risk the happiness of Fife.  Bye.

But I was thinking of dong the match report in haikus

That does it – we concede. 

The phone went dead. Your correspondent was left hanging – like the Positivelys, like Meadows Andrews who will therefore pass the season without an appearance at the ground which bears his name [Eh?  The other way round surely?  Ed] That exceptional cricketing surface that was in preparation will lay unused other than by Saturday afternoon barbecue parties. 

So that is the Positivelys’ season over and done.   They finish a highly creditable 3rd in the elite 6th Division.

One match was abandoned, one conceded by the opposition and 2 cancelled through rain. One match was cancelled on police advice [See match report for 22 May above.  Ed].

Of the 13 matches played, the Positivelys won 8, lost 4 and tied 1.  In all 46 players turned out – 21 of those are juniors.

1751 runs were scored over the season.  Of these 527 were scored by Eric Edwards who topped 50 on 6 occasions and had a top score of 88*.  Eric also had 19 catches and 2 stumpings. [A modest contribution then. Ed]

Of the other batters, only Al Murray had a half century – and only Al (121) Hari Thaivalappil (124) and the skipper (159) scored more than 100 runs.

The 92 wickets taken were more evenly distributed: Steven Andrews had 12, Pete Gill and Fin Thornton 9 each and Matt Edwards and Daniel Saunders 8 each.

The skipper was on great form with coin in hand. 10 tosses were won and 4 lost.  On one occasion the skipper actually opted to bat – statisticians are scouring the records to establish whether this has ever happened before. [They needn’t bother – it hasn’t.  Ed]

Miraculous events occurred on 2 occasions when the skipper held on to catches at slip.

A full set of match reports was submitted. [Don’t expect anyone to thank you for that.  Ed]  As usual a number of guest players were introduced for no apparent reason.  They included Adam Smith, George Orwell, Paul McCartney, Shakespeare, Robespierre, Eratosthenes, Vergil Tracy, Jean Paul-Sartre, Stephen Hawkins, Mozart, Bertolt Brecht.  Mention was also made of Gustav Mahler but sadly no further clarity was established as to his bowling action.   [A source of great disappointment – not. Ed] Next season perhaps. [You mean you’re thinking of playing again next year?  Ed]

Your correspondent would like to note that Hari Thaivalappil will leave Edinburgh shortly and will not be available next season.  He would like to thank Hari for his contribution over the last 2 seasons – Hari works in London during the week and makes the trip north each weekend specially to turn out for the Positivelys [Don’t you mean to see his family?  Ed]  He’s a great lad.  All the Positivelys send Hari their best wishes for his new life in Cambridge, where local scorers are already trembling at the prospect of having to spell his name.

Your correspondent mentioned to his interlocutor from Falkland CC that he intended to prepare this week’s match report in haiku………..[Oh no Ed]:

A match conceded

Guards not scraped on the creases

Empire biscuits fade

Your correspondent thanks all his readers for their support [You don’t really think anyone has read any of this stuff do you?  Ed] He looks forward to joining you all again in 2017 when he is confident that the bowling action of [Right ,that’s enough.  Ed].