In those ancient days when the cricketers of Athens convened under the captaincy of Pericles and voted (presumably) for this new fangled democracy type thing, (as it was known then), they had scant regard to the impacts this would have on cricketers who came after them.  In particular their lack of foresight failed to determine that 2600 years later, almost to the very day, the Carlton selection supremos would face a battery of call-offs and non availability as a result of 'injuries sustained in the exercise of my franchise this week'.  With 3 ballot papers offered to cricketers entering Scotland's polling booths on Thursday, there was a severe test of stamina and many of Carlton's playing staff, ever enthusiastic in their social duties, reported extreme exhaustion and withdrew from the weekend teams.  Even junior cricketers, technically too young to vote, were affected by the strain. 

 

Now, your correspondent is a firm supporter of Periclean ideals.  One man one innings remains the best system of selection we can expect.  However he passes the minor observation that selection committees in Stalinist Russia, where things were ordered differently, may not have had to deal with this problem.  Execution and sudden disappearance in the night might have had implications for the originally selected XI, but democratic exhaustion, no.

 So it was another developmental side that Fantasy Bob led to Peffermill to face our old friends Teuchters.  Teuchters were also suffering from the effects of democratic exhaustion in that they presented fewer than the allowed number of players.  FB's side had 4 debutants (that is players making their first appearance not young ladies in high fashion dresses coming out into society) and an old lag returning in the shape of legendary keeper Kevin Whittaker.  FB is too young to recall Kevin's great deeds at Grange Loan in the past but he is assured that he verged on greatness.

  

A damp wicket presented itself for inspection.  Fantasy Bob looked good to win the toss, until the toss actually happened and lost is by a Liberal Democrat margin. [Very topical.  Nice to see the old joke in new clothes.  Ed] Carlton were inserted - which presented the first problem.  Scanning his eager resources FB noticed a distinct absence of opening batsmen, indeed there was a queue of volunteers for the coveted 11 spot.  Having recovered from the nose bleed from batting at 3 last week, FB had little choice but to promote himself and young David Mitchell gamely volunteered to join him.  Well dear readers what came next is the stuff of legend.  The opening partnership looked sound and had progressed to 29 before David essayed one too many expansive drive.  He had practised this shot on several preceding balls skilfully missing them, but this one he got some bat on and was caught at midwicket for 10.  FB ground on with a trickle of batsmen who didn't manage to counter Eddie Jones’ golden arm (3 for 15 off 9) until Al Murray looked solid, but then mindful of the need to defend and bat as many overs as possible he blasted one straight back to the bowler who to everyone's surprise saved his own broken nose by catching it. 

FB meanwhile was proceeding serenely [I find that hard to believe.  Are you sure that is the right word? Ed]  To the burgeoning crowd's complete surprise he managed to deal properly with the straight ones and was strong off his legs.  He even managed a big 6 with a hook that would have had Viv Richards..... [Oh get on with it.  Ed]  He had one life. [What?  You always say FB is never dropped.  Ed].  As the innings died away FB brought up his 50 and was left undefeated - carrying his bat for 52*.  This is uncanny - FB posted on his blog this week a long and tedious essay about carrying your bat in which he noted that having never opened the innings he never had the opportunity to carry his bat.  He writes about it and it happens!  Obviously there is a destiny that shapes our ends.  So this week expect postings about hundreds and hattricks. 

All out for 95 with 5 batters failing to trouble the scorers; it didn't seem likely to be enough.  And so it proved, but not until Teuchters got a bit of a fright.  Kevin revived his glory days by donning the pinkest wicket-keeping gauntlets ever seen.  Euan and Bob opened the bowling with Bartsch looking in good form.  He gave one chance off FB - a steepling cloudscraping catch to long off which we couldn't take.  FB had evidently used all his luck during his batting.  33 without loss after 7 and FB turned to David Mitchell.  After his first over it was 34 for 2.  After his second over 46 for 3.  Now the batting looked exposed and Bartsch had to  take care - the run rate slowed a bit.  David got another 2 wickets to give him a first senior 5-fer.  But wickets refused to fall at the other end despite some good fielding from Shoaib and young debutants Sam Marchbank and Calum Sibley. As the light faded and the rain began, Bartsch conducted the last rites, getting to his own half century before seeing his side to victory with a couple of fine strokes - a fine sweep and a firm drive to leave him 64*.  Victory by 5 wickets as the rain got serious.

So Carlton casualties of democracy.  Well done to Teuchters - always a pleasure to play against, the banter was at a high level.  FB particularly enjoyed one riff about cheese - in honour of their bowler named Jacob.  But above all well done David - 5 for 41 off 8.  He showed excellent flight and control and turned it sharply.  The match ball is his to varnish and mount.  A great achievement.

Scorecard

Carlton welcomed last year's unbeaten Division 8 champions Morton 2s to Grange Loan.  Fantasy Bob called it right and decided to bat on a track that gave up over 500 runs a day earlier. 

FB and Barnacle Barrett had first use and took the score past 50 before Bob (21), attempting an uncharacteristic nurdle, feathered one to first slip where Morton skipper, Bell, took a great catch diving forward to claim a very soft edge.   Barnacle (25) lost his grip and was next to go this time to a salmon-like Bell who leapt high at slip to take a finger tip catch when a boundary was the most obvious outcome.  Still at 60-2 and a perfect batting track; what could possibly go wrong….

... well quite a bit actually.  Carlton’s next 7 wickets fell for 30 runs with only Shane Whatley (12) reaching double figures.   With the score at just over 90, 9 wickets down and the urn not yet switched on for tea all seemed lost.  Much to everyone’s surprise President Carter walked out sporting a new bat, his first he claims since 1923 to join 13 year old Dougal Main and the two added 20 odd runs for the last wicket.  At times the relationship looked like a grumpy pirate captain and his cabin boy and at times like WG Grace and a young David Gower…..never-the-less through a combination of cricket shots, extras and byes they took the Carlton score to 115.  Special credit to Dougal who kept out Morton’s Sabharwal who had ripped through Carlton’s middle order to finish with 9-3-14-5. 

On a batting paradise, 115 was unlikely to be enough but it’s a funny old game.  After 5 overs Morton found themselves five wickets down with only 10 on the board through a combination of wiley bowling from Carter & Irvine, some stunning catches, especially from Shoab, and some good old cavalier batting from Morton’s top order.  Hawkins and Parikh threatened to put it right with a patient partnership of 60 before David Mitchell had Parikh caught by Carlton crocodile Keith Murray at first slip.   Kumar smashed a quick 25 and made Morton favourites until 11 year old Callum Everett knocked over his leg stump with a corker then quickly removed Myers leaving Carlton on the edge of victory.   It was left to Alan Murray to close the innings out, bowling Malan with the score on 93 leaving Carlton victors by 22 runs. 

All Carlton’s bowlers deserve mention …the Presidents spell of 9-5-8-3,  Fantasy Bob’s 7-2-10-3 and Everett’s 2-0-10-2 did the damage in terms of wickets but young David Mitchells spell of 9-0-33-1 showed real control when two batsmen were set. 

So Carlton recorded an unlikely win.  Morton’s bowling attack was hugely impressive, especially at this level, and they will undoubtedly be strong candidates for promotion come the end of the season.  Carlton’s bowling and fielding were excellent.  In the match 16 catches were held, bowlers were on top and so questions were raised as to how a batting track can change so much overnight?  All the batsmen agreed it was nothing to do with lack of batting talent and are urging the ECB to investigate.  He who has no name was not available for comment.

Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!

You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout

Till you have drench’d our steeples, drown’d the cocks!

You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,

Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,

Singe my white head!

So rants King Lear.  Well, Carlton's 4s may not have to contend with cataracts and hurricanoes or sulphurous and thought-executing fires, but they certainly had winds – or to put it another way WINDS.  The thing you have to remember about King Lear is that, stuck with his fool on the blasted heath as he was, trying to figure out how things had gone against him when he had won the toss but put his most loyal daughter Cordelia well down the batting order, is that he did not have to bowl against wind.  He did not even have to bowl with the wind.  He was in the manner of a non-playing skipper - the fashion of the time.  A bit of railing against the elements and his job was done.  Fantasy Bob, desptie being considerably older than King Lear, has not reached that happy state and so it was his singed white head that forced his aging frame against the gusting westerly gale to open the bowling against RH Corstorphine. 

Seeking to kick start the season from a series of disappointing close reversals, a much changed team took the field, FB having won the toss and chosen to bowl - if only because he lacks any imagination and it was what Fraser Watts had done the day before to considerable success.  It is also the recommendation of a recent article by someone called Craig Wright in a prestigious cricket journal. Your correspondent observes in passing here that this season FB has now won 4 out of 5 tosses [No doubt you'll say that it is all the practice in the off season - Ed] - for all the good it has done the team.  He refers you to the blog post by his name sake in which he reports the inverse relationship between toss winning and match winning by MS Dhoni.  Is there a lesson there?

But enough of these asides.  Bowling in the wind (which some readers may also recall as an unknown Bob Dylan cricket song) was a strain.  FB just about coped, but juniors and not so juniors struggled. Age deprived youth of an early wicket when a kneejerk and optimistic appeal from Dougal was given LBW by a young RHC umpire. It might have hit a second set of stumps 3 feet high. FB withdrew the appeal and called the batter back.   A muttered thankyou might have been expected.  FB picked up 2 wickets in his first spell to excellent catches from Mike Kennedy and Shuaib-catch-a-match-Farooq and RHC were 43 for 2 after 10. 

Then sulphurous and line-and-length-executing fires came upon us in the form of RHC skipper Alan Moore and Will Blackett.   This pair put on 100 in the next 13 overs as Carlton bowlers struggled in the wind.  Rory Allardice did as well as any and finally had Moore caught for 74 by Liam on the long-off boundary, but this caused Blackett to raise his tempo and he hit downwind particularly effectively.  Rory picked up another wicket, as did FB in his second spell (Rory 5-0-29-2; FB 9-2-27-3) but Blackett's hitting managed to evade the fielders.  The fielding became a bit ragged, a couple of hard chances went down and runs began to leak.  However Dougal bowled an excellent second spell (6-2-13-0), encouraged by his skipper to show a bit of aggression and hit the crease,  although he was unlucky not to get a wicket.  Blackett continued to bring up his century and was left 114* at the end of the innings - a fine effort.  RHC 258 for 6 after 45.

Footsore and weary Carlton refuelled with mixed thoughts.  How many runs had leaked in the field in the second part of the innings?  Yes, the wind and the fast and fiery outfield made demands, but the short answer is too many. 

The wind was beginning to settle down to a gale rather than a hurricane as Shaun and Jim opened our chase.  Neither looked in any trouble until Shaun was triggered by his son and heir who had nobly offered his finger-raising services during the tea interval.  There was speculation that on returning to the dressing room Shaun immediately phoned his lawyer and disinherited Tom - who is no longer son and heir, but simply son and only hanging on to that status by his fingernails.  Shaun was also attempting to find a locksmith to change the locks at home. 

Jim followed for 19 - finally getting an average for the 4th XI - when he was yorked by change bowler Mani.  But at 41 for 2 we were even stevens with the RHC progress.  A nice debut innings by Tom Dean ended disappointingly bowled round his legs as he moved across his stumps to push another into the empty legside spaces.  We shall hear more of Tom in years to come. 

Liam (left) started like a train - a big 6 down wind - an oak cleaving thunderbolt if ever - and he was ably supported by Keshav.  Their partnership ended at 165 when Liam played to soon and was bowled by skipper Moore for an excellent 63. 

Boom Boom strode out - anything was possible. The crowd sat up in anticipation. First ball - a big swish no connection.  Second ball - a bigger swish and even less of a connection.  Third ball - shock - a pat back.  But Mike was just waiting to get downwind - and Keshav duly obliged pushing 1 and changing ends.  If you thought you' seen oak cleaving thunderbolts, think again - 4,6,4,4 (dot ball rest required),4,6,6.  A couple more overs of this and we would win.  Keshav went for a fine 22 bringing FB to the crease.  This was the pair to guide us home - 50 odd wanted off 8.  But it was not to be.  Mike got hold of one but it was against the wind and fell just short of the boundary.  Unfortunately it fell into the hands of RHC skipper Moore who took a fine, not to say miraculous catch and  Mike departed for a brisk 36.  FB huffed and puffed but was tucked up on his legs by well directed bowling. 

Ben took his own life - going too far back in the crease and smacking the off stump.  Shuaib had a few good hits but was bowled going for a big heave (alright slog sweep if you must) and that was it.  27 runs short, FB 24*. 

This may well be the highest total Carlton 4s have made batting second not to win.  A good effort, but FB had to remind his troops that this could have been a winning total had the runs not bled in the second half of the RHC innings.  Now we understand what King Lear meant when he said 'Mend your long barriers a little, lest it mar your fortunes.'

Well done to all Carlton's under-agers who each made a good contribution.  Next time - FB promises to lose the toss and will be confident of winning.

Scorecard

Photos

RAINED OFF

As your correspondent took the air this afternoon at a very damp Grange Loan members of his dwindling readership expressed surprise at his presence in their company.  Having explained that the 4th XI game in Glenrothes had been cancelled at a sensible time this morning - and not, as seems customary in the higher leagues, half an hour after it had meant to start - his interlocutor expressed impatience.  He reminded him that a game actually being played was not an essential criterion for a match report.  Such unimaginative empiricism is responsible for many of the failings in society and should not be allowed to permeate Carlton CC.  Indeed even when a game is played, opined this reader, many of your correspondent's reports make so little reference to actual events on the field that the game itself is an irrelevance.  Your correspondent was told he should be slaving over the key board rather than cluttering the place up by strolling self indulgently and with shambling gait around the boundary.  

Your correspondent had been looking forward to this match.  It is many years since he visited Glenrothes for cricketing purposes but it used to be an annual safari. He cannot actually call any details of games there but the visit was always eventful. Hippo Park was called Town Park then but it had the same riverside location and the usual softness of the square made many suspect that it was actually below the water table.  

Finding the ground was always a challenge.  As is the way with new towns, Glenrothes was designed by throwing a random set of roundabouts down first and when the buildings were established some more roundabouts were put down.  Some were kept spare just in case.  For everything is always at least 2 roundabouts away, even the next roundabout.  every year we would circle the target and directions would be asked, 'Go right at the next roundabout'  'At this roundabout,'  our driver would say pointing at the installation 20 yards away.  'No, not this roundabout the next one........'  And so on.  After the game there was a similar challenge.  'Yes, we'd like to come for a beer.'  'We're at the rugby club.' 'Where's that.'  'Right at the next roundabout.'  'OK right just here then.' 'No, not this roundabout, the next roundabout.'  Some times we made it to the rugby club;  sometimes we panicked on the mean streets of Glenrothes and headed for home before supplies of polo mints ran out.  

FB's all star XI have gained a bit of momentum following a sticky start to the season and are now sitting mid table.  This match was an opportunity to consolidate.  FB was confident of victory although when the match was called off he still awaited the identity of 2 mystery players who Al Murray was conjuring up overnight.  With run machines Prescott and Kennedy on other business, it looked like Barnacle and FB himself would have to be the main source of runs, with a further opportunity for Sohaib to show the good progress he has made this season.  Contributions would also come from Al himself and Shuaib (recovered after intensive therapy for his catchless outing last week).  The President himself, Portobello's favourite rap star diZZee khARTah, would front the bowling in his usual mean fashion and a celebratory rap might well be expected.  The rest of the overs would be shared out among the youngsters Neil (who for some inexplicable reason was identified last week by Peebles CC match reporter as a sulky teenager), Dougal and Greg, FB's frame maybe still too fragile for him to bowl properly.  All youngsters bowled well last week and would be guaranteed to make life difficult for the Glenrothes batters.  

So dear readers, you can see why FB had packed his wet weather gear, limbered up his tossing muscle and was confident of victory.  But it was not to be.  But 20 points are guaranteed next week.

Today's date, 26 June was the birthdate in 1824 of Lord Kelvin, the Scottish scientist of distinction who invented the concept of absolute zero. He was not talking about your correspondent's batting average here, but the lowest possible temperature of anything in the universe. He may well have made the key observations which lead him to identify this temperature while fielding on the boundary during the Scottish cricket season. He may well have, but, regrettably, there is no documented reference to confirm this or otherwise. Had he attempted to make his observations today, he would have been sadly disappointed since the temperature was someway higher than absolute zero and on the Kelvin temperature scale might have been in the region of 300. That sounds pretty hot.

By a remarkable coincidence today was also the birthdate in 1933 of maestro Claudio Abbado, one of the world's greatest orchestral conductors who last came to Edinburgh in 2002 to conduct Parsifal at the Festival. And very fine it was too. Abbado's Mahler is to die for, but his batting average is in the absolute zero region.

So when the Carlton 4s had to be assembled during the week neither was called upon - Kelvin because he died in 1907 and hasn't paid a subscription since then (if indeed he paid one before) and Abbado because that batting average just isn't good enough. Selection policy is firm - no matter how scintillating your Des Knaben Wunderhorn may be, you need to show runs in the book to make the Carlton 4s these days.

This search for additional players was necessitated by the fact that the entire Carlton junior section was representing Scotland, Pentland, Edinburgh, the Planet Earth or some other geographical unit and had been transported en masse to Durham for representative duties. It was therefore a more mature XI that made its tottering way on to the field of play, blinking in surprise at the sunshine that bathed Grange Loan in the warm glow that would have frustrated Lord Kelvin's researches. For once the smell of deep heat in the dressing room overpowered the Lynx.

Our doughty groundsman had worked his usual miracles to render fit again a playing surface that had suffered undue cruelty in the rain on Saturday as Carlton's 2s went to a watery grave against Holy Cross. The ground looked in good order to welcome Marchmont 2s for a fixture that looked good on paper as the teams were closely positioned in the league table.

FB lost the toss by a country mile and was invited to bat - a strange expression that because you can't really refuse. Barnacle and Jim made steady early progress against a lively and accurate bowling attack. Jim was first out to a sharp c&b after 19 overs with the score on 53. Jim had been driving well but had been hitting the fielders with uncanny skill. Keshav joined Barnacle and the pair saw up the 100 before both went in rapid succession. Shaun for a good 55 and Keshav for a well crafted 17. The highlight of Shaun's innings was a series of chips tempting 3 equidistant fielders to meet under the ball - they all declined the opportunity and lambasted each other when the ball fell harmlessly to earth. But 33 overs had gone and we needed to accelerate. It looked like we had the right batters there with Zaki and Boom Boom. But it never quite happened. Mike got a few away but had more singles than boundaries and at the end was starved of the strike. Zaki was unluckily caught when the ball stopped on him, but Patrick took up the chase well with a few good blows before he was bowled for 15. Neither Johnny nor FB could do anything as Marchmont's final overs bowling proved very hard to get away. So we ended on 180 for 7 with Mike unbeaten on 28. All in all it felt that we were 20 or so runs light of what would have been a really challenging total. But quick wickets would win us this match. Even Lord Kelvin, clever clogs that he was, would agree with that.

Our opening overs were a bit loose, although they did produce a wicket when Blackie bowled Sheikh. But his opening partner Renwick looked secure and most cruelly picked out FB in the field to have him chasing repeatedly to the boundary. FB is consulting his lawyer over the legitimacy of this under the Human Rights Convention. DC ploughed on changing ends mid spell but without the success that he deserved. FB knows there is trouble looming when DC fails to take a few wickets. Neil rampaged downwind and downhill. Good pace and accuracy saw him take one edge but he missed many more and was unlucky only to get one wicket. Shaun's palms were stinging and he called for fillet steak to fit inside his gloves.

At drinks Marchmont were 87 for 2 - narrowly behind the run rate but with wickets in hand. Then disaster struck, FB brought himself onto bowl. Uphill against the wind is usually his happy hunting ground, but not today. The less said the better. Even Claudio Abbado could have done better. Blackie and Mike got one wicket apiece each before the game began to go away from us. It was 134 for 4 with 10 overs left - another wicket and it might have been so different. But it was not to be. FB had to bowl again and the end came in the 42nd over. Marchmont win by 6 wickets.

Well done them - they bowled well particularly in the last 10 overs when we thought our batting order would accelerate and they batted well with Renwick getting an impressive 64 before Blackie got him with the first ball of his second spell. Revenge will be sweet next week as we travel to Cavalry Park for the return fixture.

Your correspondent has never previously felt much by way of affinity with Stuart Broad, the pouting pretty boy pin up of English cricket. But Broad's first foray into captaincy yesterday in England' T20 against Sri Lanka ended in ignominy and his own performance was on the downward side of lamentable - pretty near absolute zero in fact - as he struggled to make any contribution with the ball. Just for this weekend then, FB and SB are inseparable and describable in one word - crap. Broad has long experience at this, but for FB this is a novelty [Are you sure you've got that right. Ed] Still there's always next week, and there's the sweet consolation of Abbado's Mahler on the CD player.

Scorecard

MATCH CONCEDED BY PENICUIK WHO COULD NOT RAISE A SIDE

It was 11.05 when the message came through.  Your correspondent was prowling the gate area at Grange Loan counting the All Star 4th XI players in for their rendezvous for the must win tie against Penicuik.  Any player more than 30 seconds later for the assignment could expect no mercy - in a highly trained elite team discipline is all.  Watches must be synchronised.   

GL was awash with discarded First XI players sitting in stunned grief and incomprehension that yesterday's tsunami in Morningside soaked the wicket to the extent that their match with Clydesdale had been cancelled.  Shuffling shambling figures describing themselves as members of the 2nd and 3rd XIs were also assembling for their trips across the Forth into hearing distance of T in the Park.  The sun was shining brightly - anyone might think it was summer.

But then the call came through - Penicuik had to scratch. 'It was the tsunami yesterday,' came the breathless voice, 'It washed our second and third teams away.  The rescue efforts have been unsuccessful.  We have no side to field.'  The tsunami in Morningside was indeed a freak event of the most horrific sort - at its height the BBC reported that goldfish were washed away from an ornamental pond but there were no reports as to whether they played for Penicuik.  Aid efforts are continuing.  

There is always a sadness on such occasions.  FB had a warm glow of success that on returning from injury to the captain's hot seat he had masterminded a successful acquisition of league points.  But putting that schadenfreude aside, it is always disappointing to have keyed yourself up for a vital sporting tussle then to have your cast iron get out from mowing the grass and weeding the roses whisked away from you.  

For it is not good when clubs struggle to raise sides.  Carlton is blessed with a depth of junior reserves it can call on in most circumstances but even it can be stretched on occasions like this.  Other clubs are not so fortunate and the holiday, wedding and T in the Park season can wreak havoc.  If this was football there would be calls for a mid season break, demands for a government inquiry into summer cricket..........or something.  FB therefore sends Carlton's sympathy to Penicuik and hopes for an early return to strength.  For many is the tussle he has had against Kirkhill sides in years gone by and looks forward to again.  

The question on everyone's lips is of course whether FB has returned to full fitness.  Government statisticians are busy calibrating what percentage of FB is better than no FB at all. [What a waste of money - there is only one answer to that question.  Ed] There was to be a story in the New of the World on this subject, but events have intervened.  

Next week the All Stars take on the might of Teuchters again.  Intense practice is required to put up with the on field banter - the batting and bowling can be dealt with.  All 4th XI players will therefore be expected at practice during the week.

With skipper Fantasy Bob exploring the Stockholm Archipelagos on his 42 foot yacht "Ship for Brains", the responsibility of steering the relegation threatened Carlton All Star Celebrity 4th XI to safe waters fell to the Pub Landlord. For the first time this season this was a real Fours team: six still in school, two testosterone loaded student types, two experienced cricketers and one old fart. Stand in skipper Murray narrowly won the toss and with the array of talent at his disposal elected to bat first.

Carlton's batting was dominated by a special innings from 15 year old Fraser Allardice. His opening partnership with Barnacle contributed 100 (Barrett 39) before the senior partner departed for his customary medicinal pale ale and rejuvenating shower. Fraser welcomed international traveller Nick Martin, fresh from his 122 day discovery of world beers and the joy of ping pong. Boom boom's second ball in 10 months disappeared over cow for four, followed by a six into the trees and a couple of brutal smashes down the ground. Only the straight ones and trying to compete with Allardice in 22 yard shuttle runs seemed to cause him problems. Exhausted, Nick finally holed out to an excellent catch at deep mid wicket ( Martin 35) but Fraser continued serenely on. Prescott added a breezy 15 but Whitaker fell early in his innings, both to excellent catches at deep long on. Fraser reached his first career 100 in the 42nd over clipping the ball to the fine leg boundary ... a brilliant knock and in a characteristic attempt to avoid the limelight he reluctantly raised his bat, unfortunately to the backdrop of his teammates and both umpires whooping like banshees and gyrating in the sprinkler dance. Job done Fraser swished, missed and departed for 103. Keshav and Calum added a quick fire 15 off the final 8 balls and Carlton's innings was done at 231 for 5 off their allotted 45 overs.

With runs on the board skipper Murray was able to turn to his quintet of U15 bowlers. Elder statesman Greg Murdoch had choice of ends and opened down the hill. The junior junior Dougal Main drew short straw and got first opportunity to run off the chocolate fingers by bowling uphill from the Lovers Loan end. Greg struck first having Fauldhouse opener Lee smartly caught by Prescott in mid sentence at first slip. Progress was slow and when Calum Everett replaced Murdoch he accounted for number 3, Colquhoun (64 Scrabble points), with his first ball. Fauldhouse rallied with a solid 3rd wicket partnership before the Allardices combined (caught Fraser bowled Rory) leaving our visitors struggling and well behind the scoring rate.

Rory is a smart, but inexperienced, bowler, so we attempted to accelerate his education by applying basic physics to calculate the optimum release velocity and necessary height to deceive even the most resilient batsmen. We used the equations of motion, a release angle of 41 degrees and 15.4 yard pitching length in our calculations. As everyone knows.....optimum velocity is calculated from v² = dg/2sin(Θ)cos(Θ) and the apogee of the orbit can be simply derived from h = v²sin²(Θ)/2g where "g"the acceleration due to gravity, "Θ" is the angle of release and "d" is a good length on a wicket conducive to spin. Off Keshav's iPhone we calculated Rory needed to bowl at 94.57 mph and send it 17.23 feet above the batsman's eye line to guarantee success. Rory seemed dubious and said "Look, how about I just bowl it even slower, toss it right up and see if I can make the batsman look an a##e?"...... decent plan we thought........have a go at it.....wicketkeeper Whitaker completed an easy stumping.

Keshav replaced Rory to keep spin going from one end as Murray rotated the seamers - between their naps at the other in compliance with ECB Fast Bowling Directives. Wickets fell steadily and all bowlers escaped with credible figures: Murdoch (9-0-31-3), Main (7.2-0-21-2), Everett (5-1-28-1), Allardice R (9-1-35-2,) and Arvind (2-1-4-1). Fauldhouse were dismissed in the 33rd over for 119 leaving Carlton winners by 112 runs.

A creditable team performance against a good Fauldhouse XI. Special mention to keeper Kevin Whitaker (2 catches, 1 stumping, 1 run out, 0 byes) for reinforcing that real men aren't afraid to wear pink by donning his fuchsia mits. Thanks to the U15 bowling attack for sticking to what Drummo taught them and finally congratulations to Fraser from everyone in Carlton on his maiden ton.

Scorecard

RAINED OFF

Your correspondent was concerned that too many members of the All Star 4th XI seemed to have taken to the Grouse moors following the opening of the shooting season on Friday.  There were still slots available in the batting line up for Saturday's crunch match with Kismet.  An imaginative approach to selection was required - he was preparing the ground for an e-bay auction.   

However a trenchant message from Edinburgh Leisure on Friday morning put an end to the innovative thinking.  It said that staff had been unable to prepare any wickets at Council pitches.  Senior players took a sharp intake of breath and wondered how this was any different from the usual situation.  Many of them had experienced the excitement of turning up at the Meadows and speculating which spot of grassy turf was designated the wicket and which was the outfield.  Sometimes clues are left in the form of a hieroglyphic in whitewash, but they are an uncertain guide.   

But these are unkind thoughts which senior players immediately regret and, conscience stricken, rush to express solidarity with and admiration for the efforts of the Council staff in this very difficult summer.  Your correspondent will not go so far as to describe these efforts as doughty, for doughty is a word to be used exclusively to reflect the character of Carlton's very own groundsman Magnus Moon who has more recently been nattily clad in welly boots and sou'wester - a continuing inspiration to all fashionistas in the Carlton playing staff.   

The Council's decision is no surprise.  One month's rain in one day on Thursday is the kind of bargain offer - 31 for the price of 1- that Tescos only use for the roughest of ciders.  Readers should remember that the Meadows were at one time a loch until it was drained in the 18th Century.  The water table is low, a fact of which cricketers are regularly reminded.   

Cameron, Clegg, Milliband and Fantasy Bob have all returned from holiday this week to restore order in troubled times.  In an effort to reassert proper discipline in his side, FB is considering banning the use of Twitter while at the crease.  He was never convinced that social media was a more effective means of calling for a quick single anyway.  He is also asking searching questions about the parents - how could the Camerons allow their son to go on holiday in times like these?  

These issues are too big and too challenging for a single brain celled organism such as your correspondent to make much sense of.  As he has already remarked, with every league point vital in the run in to the end of the season, and in the light of the lure of the grouse moors on his squad, an innovative approach to selection was already being explored.   FB had been in Facebook contact with V Sehwag suggesting that he might need a bit of practice in the middle and the Kismet bowling attack could be the nearest he could get to Jimmy Anderson.  Sehwag thought about it hard, but in the end graciously declined in favour of a less prestigious match in Birmingham - and the rest is history.  Sehwag on the Meadows - now that would have caused a riot.

MATCH CONCEDED BY PEEBLES WHO COULD NOT RAISE A SIDE

It is with much regret that your correspondent has to report that once again today he is filing a report of a match that has not, and will not occur. The laws of thermodynamics, were your correspondent able to scan them with anything approaching understanding, probably mean that this match could never occur.  

The All Star's opponents evidently go in fear of your correspondent's reports - and today's opposition, Peebles 2, have chosen to preserve their reputations and not risk the slurs, the bad jokes and excruciating puns that might follow their performance.  Many of the All Stars feel the same, but they do not have the option to withdraw.  Most of them are as thoroughly sick as the world wide audience of being advised that the toss has been lost narrowly - or won by a country mile.  Many of them have observed that it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to the outcome of the match, so why bother.  It pains your correspondent when his heightened artistic sensitivity senses this attitude in his team.  For it is this whatever attitude that eventually leads to injustices like Big Brother and riots in Tottenham.  On the subject of Tottenham riots your correspondent is forced to note that there was another one at Tynecastle on Thursday night and yet again the police did not intervene.  

But the message from Peebles was clear - knowing that they would face this barrage of long words, three batsmen found they had to get married today, 2 bowlers found they had to help with the harvest and the wicketkeeper had to visit his mother in law in hospital where she was taken after being told of the threat posed to the father of her grandchildren by the possibility of an extended essay on Richard Strauss's favouring of the Duke over the Kookaburra.  Only a 10 year old and a dog were left from the original selection and the dog had still to confirm.  The skipper had no choice.  Your correspondent hopes that next year Peebles will return to strength.  He has always enjoyed matches with them.  Good luck.  

As the season reaches what is vulgarly described as its business end, your correspondent has been considering the averages.  He notes that so far he has reported on 7 live matches (3,000,234 words 80% of them with 4 or more syllables) , the ever youthful Barnacle on 4 (1,987,453 words 50% over 3 syllables)  and a usurper medical student one report (200 words all monosyllables).   This report means that reports on non matches now number 6 (2,213,756 words of varying length) - rain next week will bring them level in the table.  It could not be closer.  

By comparison the relatively minor tussle against relegation that the All Stars are teasing their world wide fan base with seems unexciting.  The illicitly gained 20 points from their non appearance today will help and events elsewhere in the universe might also have a bearing.  But next week remains critical.  Will live reports maintain their pre-eminent position?  Might Barnacle do something special?  It is surely time. Or will FB hold on? The All Stars have lacked compelling performances so far in this stop start season - for them there has been more stop than start - it's time to start stopping the stopping and start the starting [Eh?  Ed] Competition between the venerable veterans has never been so acute.  It is a tragedy that only one can win. [No - it is just a tragedy that you think anyone is interested. Get a life. Ed]

RAINED OFF

Perhaps if it had only been half an inch, it would have been alright.  May be even three quarters. Yes three quarters of an inch might have been OK, a little soft and skiddy but OK.  Basically.  Sort of. But an inch and half of standing water on the Meadows wicket meant that it was a marginal decision.  The kids playing football tried their best to move the water by running across the wicket in their football boots in a strange homage to Sandy Strang.  But their efforts made only a small, ie no, difference.  A decision had to be made.  The luxury coach was due to leave shortly to bring the Glenrothes team to Edinburgh. A vast entourage of fanatical supporters was also making preparations.  They should not be made to travel in vain.  

It could not be closer.  The minutes ached by.  Was that the hint of a drying breeze?  Was the sun about to shine?  Was that the mop up squad from the Council in the distance with a battery of squeejees?  No, no and no.   And so the inevitable was bowed to, as it inevitably is.  Match cancelled - again.  The second hald of the season has been washed away.  The All Star Fourth XI have played only 4 matches since the end of June.  Fantasy Bob has played only one, missing the other 3 through injury and his shameful holiday.  Notwithstanding this the Carlton 4s will end up having played the most games in the division- except that there were 2 walkovers so only 12 out of 18 matches were actually played so there is not even an achievement there.  All less than satisfactory and too few opportunities for anyone in the team to show their real worth.   

Your correspondent is dredging his failing memory for the highlights of the season. Best batting was Jim Macdonald 81* in the first game of the season, and Fraser Allardice's maiden ton at GL against Fauldhouse.  Best bowling was David Mitchell 5 for 41 in the second.  Best fielding was Shuaib Farooq's 3 outstanding catches in the third game of the season.  The home victory against Morton in May stands out, when having posted a low score both bowling and catching were spot on and we took the points.  It could have provided a launch pad for the season.  But those were the last catches that were taken as chance after chance was spilled in subsequent matches as the team successfully chased down the world record for the most catches dropped in a season.  A solid victory at Kismet in June under the leadership of Alex Feds is another highlight.   That was the best captaincy too.  

But the real prize is for best match report and the voting lines are now open.  Vote early - vote often.  

Farewell to 2011 - 2012 is going to be the year.