Carlton 4th XI 2017 Fixtures and Results
Saturday 29th April 1pm
ESCA Division Five
L
Largo 2
v
Carlton 4
A

Carlton 4s 112 for 9

lost to

Largo 2s 114 for 4

Scorecard

CARLTON POSITIVELY 4TH XI

(the only cricket team in the world named after a song by Bob Dylan)

NEW FOR SEASON 2017

Grand Prize Competition

Have you ever got half way through a match report of Carlton Positively 4th XI and thought ‘Why am I bothering?’ ‘What’s the point of this?’ ’Was any cricket actually played here?’

Then our new competition is for you.  You can make reading these reports fun and exciting. [Oh come on. Ed]

The table below contains 40 names.  None is likely to turn out for the Positively 4th XI this season.  Yet 11 are going to be mentioned in a match report.  Why?  Nobody knows.

All you have to do is identify the 11 names who you think are going to feature in the Positively 4th XI match reports for Season 2017. 

Glamorous prizes await those who get it right!!!!! Exciting is not the word!!!! [Just what I was thinking.  Ed]

Examine this list carefully:

Richard III

Marcus Aurelius

Bonnie Prince Charlie

John Maynard Keynes

Captain Pugwash

Gustav Holst

Gustav Mahler

Gustav Klimt

Gustav Eiffell

The Bee Gees

Virginia Woolf

Virginia Wade

Virginia Bottomley

Valerie Singleton

Jeremy Clarkson

Neville Longbottom

Neville Chamberlain

Neville Cardus

Neville Marriner

Screaming Lord Sutch

Cole

Porter

Gail Porter

Nyree Dawn Porter

Endymion Porter

Champion the Wonder Horse

Brunnhilde

Blondie

Clytemnestra

Bonnie Tyler

Donald Trump

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Ilyich Lenin

Vladimir Nabokov

Vladimir Horowitz

Vlad the Impaler

Sophocles

George Orwell

Joe Orton

William Shakespeare

Snoopy

Now make your selection.  Be careful - this requires supreme skill – luck does not come into it [The exact opposite of the Fourth’s skipper’s batting then. Ed]

Send your 11 names to competitions@carltoncc.  Each week read the match reports and have the thrill of seeing your bonus points mount up [unlike the 4th XI’s league points. Ed]

****************************************************************************************************************************************

Through no fault of their own,  the Positively 4th XI find themselves promoted this season from the elite level of ESCA Div 6 to the super-elite level of Div 5.  Tossing and match reporting skills will be tested to the utmost – to say nothing of the cricket [Which is what your match reports generally do anyway.  Ed.]

First up on the fixture card was a visit to Largo, cricketing jewel of the East Neuk of Fife.  The skipper’s ineptitude at the toss meant that the Positivelys were put in to bat on a dry well prepared wicket.  ‘It looks like it could be quite pacy,’ reported the skipper to his openers.  This proved to be unhelpful instruction.  Largo’s opening bowlers were clearly musicians – for them Largo took its musical meaning – very slow – think Handel’s Ombra Mai Fu, think Dvorak New World (or Hovis Bread), Vivaldi’s Winter…….. [Just hold on there – is there anything by Bucks Fizz you can mention?  Ed]  

Scoring was also painfully largo, even Eric found himself in several minds as the ball parabola’d its largo way to the batter’s end.  Keith decided to shut up shop and wait for the tempo to rise towards Adagio with the change bowlers.  Little did he know – the first change went Molto Largo shading to Larghissimo.  This did for Eric, mistiming to loop a largo-motion catch to the keeper.    Keith finally got going, but flashed prestissimo outside off and fell, as only he can, to a miracle catch at slip.  Ollie bravely tried to push things along, Rua and Jamie played correctly but found the field hard to penetrate.  If the bowling was largo then the scoring rate was never faster than Andante – and not a trace of con brio in it.  No one got to grips with the looping deliveries.  Duncan and the skipper rallied briefly but both perished before they could capitalise.  Muzz and Ewan ensured that the overs were fully used but the total of 112-9 looked a bit under par.

But some quick wickets could put the pressure on.  Muzz, left arm over allegretto, duly obliged taking Coates’ off stump out of the ground in the first over.  But then Frankland and King dug in and took the game away from the Positivelys.  Charlie found the ball following him and fielded like a tiger, Ewan chased and threw as well as any.  Duncan (right arm over Presto ma non troppo Molto inswing) had a couple of decent LBW shouts turned down.  Duncs finally got some reward by bowling Frankland for 28.  King was well set however and never in trouble and passed his 50 with the total in sight.  The light faded, the wind got up and the temperature dropped.  Wickets for Rua and Ollie prolonged the Positivelys’ agonies but the inevitable end came in the 30th over as Largo triumphed by 6 wickets.

The Positivelys hope for brisker tempos in future matches.  Next up is MDAFS – Groves Dictionary of Musical Terms does not identify this as a tempo marking.

Many thanks to Largo – it was good to visit East Drive again after a number of years and find the teas still well up to standard.

Sunday 7th May 1pm
ESCA Division Five
L
Carlton 4
v
MDAFS 3
H
GL

Carlton 4s 101 all out (Alan Murray 33)

lost to

Murrayfield DAFS 3s 102 for 4

Scorecard

As your correspondent attempted entry through the hallowed gates of Grange Loan intent on enjoying yesterday’s fixture between the Carlton Positively 4th XI and MDAFS 3 in the super elite ECSA Div 5, he was almost trampled underfoot. There seemed a tinge of hysteria in the air. A roar in the distance came gradually nearer. High pitched screams came to his ear. ‘Run for it.’ ‘Quick, don’t look back.’ ‘It’s going to be a disaster.’ A stream of humanity, mostly under 4ft tall, pressed him to the wall. The seething tide of 10 year old kwik cricketers and their doting parents desperately clogged the entrance. A laggardly infant was hastily gathered into the loving arms of his frantic father with the words. ‘Justin - whatever you do, don’t watch. Fantasy Bob is about to toss. Cover your eyes.’ With this inchoate scream he stuffed the recalcitrant infant into a cricket bag and made off in the direction of the line of gleaming BMWs parked outside.

There were a few stragglers, who moments before, had been happily brandishing bright blue bats at anything that looked like a cricket ball, and at many things that had little such resemblance. They were left quivering and trembling desperately seeking a hiding place. A formidable mother with a weeping child on each arm made her point forcefully, ‘It’s disgraceful that they let this kind of thing happen when they know that there will be children about. You will be hearing from my solicitor in the morning.’

Your correspondent was not sure whether she was justified in levelling this accusation directly to him. He had endured many ghastly tosses at the hands of the Positivelys’ skipper. With time and the best medical attention, the trauma could be overcome. But, discretion being the better part of valour, he chose not to make such a rebuttal, but meekly shrugged. This incensed her further. ‘Look at him – he’s out there now. Has he no shame? He even looks like he’s enjoying it. It’s beyond a joke.’ [As is this – just get on with the cricket. Ed]

The hysterical wish to avoid what was coming proved to be well based. Members of the Positively 4ths turned from their emergency task of consoling kwik cricketers to find that their skipper had lost his second toss on the trot. They had been inserted. The skipper put a brave face on it. ‘I was contemplating batting anyway.’ ‘Yes, yes,’ came the response from a dark recess deep in the dressing room, ‘and having contemplated it you would have bowled.’ The skipper protested in vain.

The Positivelys’ line up was more mature than usually take the field as the u13 cup tie had robbed the side of its usual quota of junior superstars. The skipper looked around and spotting Cameron Keatinge, by some way the youngest in the side, said to his older colleagues, ‘Chaps say hello to Cameron, he’ll be doing the fielding this afternoon.’


The Positivelys approached the challenge positively [Very good – how long did it take you to make that one up. Ed] A wicket on which Preston Mommsen had made 2 million runs the day before must be a bit better than a Meadows track. Or so they thought. But little by little they discovered that Mommsen had sucked all the runs out of the surface, leaving them only scraps. Only Al Murray with 33 escaped with credibility intact as one by one, and for no apparent reason, the Positivelys self destructed to be all out for a poor 101 in fewer than 23 overs. The less said the better. [Unusual for you. It must have been dreadful. Ed]

Tea was taken at a time that seemed more appropriate for lunch. As he bit on his empire biscuit, your correspondent contemplated the fact that today’s date was also the date in 1945 that the German High Command signed the unconditional surrender, bringing to an end the war in Europe. It seemed to him commendable if somewhat misguided that in the manner of their innings the Positivelys had paid tribute to this momentous event. He thinks that the re-enactment of historical events through cricket innings may not be the exciting new art form that it once seemed.


As the readers of the club’s website will already know, the Positivelys welcomed former Grange Loan heart-throb Charles Stronach back to its playing ranks. He was duly rewarded [Surely you mean punished? Ed] for his years away by being made to play under Fantasy Bob’s strong and stable leadership [For goodness sake – how much has he paid you? I think you’ll find coalition of chaos better fits the bill. Ed]

Charles steamed in up the hill with a breeze at his back but had no luck. Which was lucky because if he got an edge there was no way that Fantasy Bob in the slips could have caught it. [He would have been lucky if he’d seen it. Ed] Saif did similar at the other end. The batters sat on the splice waiting for the skipper to come on to bowl. The score crawled along. Charles finally got one through the opener’s guard. Al came on and got another, and another. Cameron bowled a good spell joining the ranks of the luckless. Harris Aslam had obviously sucked all the wickets out of the wicket too. A slick bit of fielding got a run out. But there was never any doubt that when the skipper came on to bowl MDAFS would safely coast home. Which they duly did winning by 6 wickets.

There was reason in the mass exodus earlier in the afternoon. This was not pleasant viewing. The season will just have to begin next week after all.

Sunday 14th May 1pm
ESCA Division Five
W
Carlton 4
v
Kirk Brae 2

H

GL

Kirk Brae 2s 192 for 7

lost to

Carlton 4s 193 for 6 (Eric Edwards 62)

Scorecard

Your correspondent may only have been in the first flush of pubescent development when Sandie Shaw battled gamely to the UK’s first ever victory in the Eurovision song contest. Nevertheless her victory lives long in his memory – certainly longer than the outcome of the preceding year when Kenneth McKellar nobly bared his knees in the national cause. He confesses that since that huge triumph he and the Eurovision song contest have rather lost touch. He did of course share in the joy that surged through the country when Bucks Fizz showed true British pluck to storm to victory having lost their skirts on the journey. But that is about it. To be honest, he has never quite understood why Austria does not enter a song by Gustav Mahler which would surely clean up every year. [Are you sure? Ed]

So his thoughts were rather far from the Eurovision action that had dominated the airwaves the night before as he made his way to Grange Loan to see whether the Carlton Positively 4th XI could overcome a disappointing start to their season in the super-elite realms of ESCA Div 5. Two comprehensive defeats had left them languishing in the bargain basement area of the table. Your correspondent took inspiration from this year’s Eurovision entry – he had told the Positivelys that he was Never Giving Up on You. However, he was still anxious that they might be unable to avert Rock Bottom today.

Today’s opponents were near neighbours Kirkbrae and recent matches between the 2 sides have been high scoring and competitive. As Grange Loan lay resplendent in the sunshine, Love Shine a Light, another feast of cricket was in prospect. But first the tricky matter of the toss had to be addressed. The skipper’s early season form has been poor, with 2 absolute maulings. He should have been slumped in his corner with his head in his hands wondering Why Do I Always Get it Wrong? But without any reason at all he exuded confidence. ‘That coin, it’s just a Puppet on a String,’ he said to his team. Not that they were listening. Finding the opposition skipper he sauntered to the middle, spun his coin high in the air saying, ‘It’s time for Making Your Mind Up. ‘

The openers had already donned their pads in expectation of the inevitable reverse when he returned ‘Boom Bang a Bang’ he said ‘ I won, we field. Believe in Me.’ The margin of victory was undisclosed.

The Positivelys welcomed Clément McGeown to the side. The Belgian age-group international is the first cricketer with an acute accent in his first name to turn out for the Positivelys. Clément was concerned that he did not have a club shirt. ‘Don’t worry,’ said the skipper, ‘no need to Beg or Steal you can Borrow one of mine.’ The skipper had a choice of wicket keeper; Let Me Be the One said Clément (below) and the 3 other possible wicket keepers were left to prowl the outfield, which they did to good effect.

Stronach and Simpson got things under way, but the Positivelys were made to wait for some time for first blood. It was not until the 9th over that Rasheed gloved a rising delivery from Charles into the les mains sûres du Clément. [Oh very good – are you going to do it in Flemish too? Ed] Harry finished his spell without luck but had kept excellent control. The score had moved on to 70 when 3 wickets fell quickly, with 2 catches to Harry, a real Jack in the Box – his second catch was a stunning dive and 2 handed take from a rasping drive off Cameron’s bowling. Rua, in an excellent pacy spell down the hill that gave him first spell figures of 5-2-10-2, then sublimely took the off peg of the dangerous H Raja. [That Sounds Good To Me – oh no you’ve got me at it now. Ed] 71-3 at drinks represented a good effort by the Positivelys in such benign batting conditions. After the break, M Raja proceeded to a solid 66 before being run out by a smart return by Cameron. How far out was he? Ooh Aah Just a Little Bit. One Step Further and he….would still have been out.

Skipper Vipend moved to a fine 50 as he accelerated the scoring towards the end. Well, he did have the skipper’s bowling to feast on - Better the Devil You Know. Another excellent piece of fielding by Harry with a superb accurate flat throw from the midwicket boundary brought another run out. Ben D’Ulisse took a fine catch on the boundary off the skipper who bowled 7 overs on the trot [From the photos it looks like this well and truly brought him to his knees. Ed] Concerned geriatricians in the crowd asked whether he really should take another over, I’m Never Giving Up he said [What not another season of him?! -Ed] Cameron and Gavin also contributed good bowling spells in a pretty good bowling and fielding afternoon by the Positivelys keeping Kirkbrae under 200 as they ended on 192-7.

Could the Positivelys match what looked to be a challenging total given their recent batting horror shows? No Dream Impossible. Eric and Harry opened the response. Harry unfortunately mistimed a pull and had to Go leaving proceedings unjustifiably early. Eric was due a score and ably supported by Teenage Life Ben (below, 28) and Euan Burgess (25) duly racked up a fine 62 before popping one up to mid-off shortly after drinks with the score on 119.

Say It Again, still work to be done. Charles knuckled down. There was a minor gulp when with the score on 166 wickets fell in successive balls as first the skipper (11) and then Euan Murray succumbed to H Raja, but Clément (2*) stayed with Charles (29*) who began to find his timing. Boundaries began to flow and The Positivelys reached the required total with 4 wickets and 3 overs to spare.

Congratulations.

Photos

Saturday 20th May 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Watsonian 3
v
Carlton 4
A
RAINED OFF

Heartened by their hard fought victory last week, the Carlton Positively 4th XI were due to continue their campaign in the super elite ESCA Division 5 with a fixture against the might of Watsonian 3.  Your correspondent had spent the week in keen anticipation of a festival of attacking cricket.  He was aware that the date of the match was the same as that attributed to the first publication of the Sonnets of William Shakespeare in 1609.  A victory for the Positivelys would be a fitting celebration of that momentous event. 

 

Unfortunately overnight and morning rain forced the cancellation of the match.  Your correspondent was left to thumb his much loved copy of the Sonnets.  To his surprise, deep in the annotations, he found this previously unpublished draft of perhaps the best known - Sonnet 18. 

 

There is often controversy about the real meaning of the Sonnets – but in this one Shakespeare seems very clear.

 

Shall I compare thee to a summers day

Dripping rain defies such definition

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May

Consigning play wetly to perdition

Some time too hot the eye of heaven shines

But on the Scottish cricket player dimm’d

As hour by hour that clement temp declines

Our chance of play, once good, then poor, now grim

Bright through the week the sun hath shone

Come Saturday, the magic dissipate

Apollo from his azure heav’n hath gone

And grey the cloudwrit sky doth set our fate

This poet hath but one damp thought to share

Cricket in Scotland - a whoreson nightmare

Sunday 28th May 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Carlton 4
v
Preston Village

H

GL

 
Saturday 3rd June 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Dunbar
v
Carlton 4
A
 
Saturday 10th June 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Peebles
v
Carlton 4
A
 
Saturday 17th June 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Carlton 4
v
Old Contemptibles

H

Inv

 
Saturday 24th June 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Melrose
v
Carlton 4
A
 
Saturday 1st July 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Carlton 4
v
Largo 2

H

Meg

 
Saturday 8th July 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
MDAFS 3
v
Carlton 4
A
 
Saturday 15th July 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Kirk Brae 2
v
Carlton 4
A
 
Sunday 23rd July 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Carlton 4
v
Watsonian 3
H
GL
 
Saturday 29th July 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Preston Village
v
Carlton 4
A
 
Sunday 6th August 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Carlton 4
v
Dunbar
H
GL
 
Sunday 13th August 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Carlton 4
v
Peebles
H
GL
 
Saturday 19th August 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Old Contemptibles
v
Carlton 4
A
 
Saturday 26th August 1pm
ESCA Division Five
 
Carlton 4
v
Melrose
H
Inv
 

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